


Thunder

by BlueHareGame



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Developing Relationship, Drift Compatibility, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post Movie, Pre-Canon Divergence, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-11 10:23:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 43,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1171925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueHareGame/pseuds/BlueHareGame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hermann goes missing four days after the victory over the  kaiju and Newt is scared of lightening storms.  SLASH</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thunder

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OctopusMaps](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OctopusMaps/gifts).



Ba-Boom!

Newt let out a yelp abruptly awake, his legs tangled in his sheets as he rolled over to blink in shock at his bay windows. They shuddered in the winds and as a flash of purple lit up his heaving chest Newt pulled at his damp skin to release himself. After a minute of struggle he swung his legs over the edge of his bed and moaned. He rubbed his hands across his eyes and flinched as the thunder rolled through his room knocking all hope of sleep from his mind. He hated this, the fear that flashed behind his eyes at every thunderous boom, the fear that at any moment a scaly tentacle would burst through his doors and drag him from his bed. Out into the ice cold rain and roaring wind, where they could find him.

The one human the kaiju had communicated with.

The wind picked up and Newt turned his back on the storm padding through to his kitchen to pour himself a cup of day old cold coffee. His eyes automatically drifted over to the workstation on his coffee table. At first he had checked his messages obsessively, swapping emails with Mako, with Raleigh, checking the status of his samples with the lab assistants, and discussing the future of the sciences department with the faceless bosses. But now the messages went unanswered, the calls ignored.

The only message he had hoped to receive had never arrived and Newt found he had no motivation to answer anything less than that.

Newt took a sip of the stone cold drink and winced. He took one large gulp before throwing the remains down the sink, splashing his hands. He slammed the mug on the counter and wiped his hands on his boxers, his skin prickling on his bare chest and legs. Newt sighed. It was colder here in the kitchen and yet his skin burned. He leant on the counter and glared out at his balcony. After a minute or two of staring and trying to ignore the lingering twisting cramp in his thoughts he scratched a hand through his hair, standing straight up with grease. He had stopped showering at some point; in fact he had stopped doing most things.

After the intense high of VK-day and the four days of celebrations after that he gradually found that nothing really seemed to appeal to him anymore. Newt scoffed; victory over the kaiju day, a worldwide holiday with him and Hermann at the heart of it. And what did he have to show for it? A department hovering on the edge of being shut down, a shitty one bedroom apartment, and no fucking Hermann.

He growled and stormed to the windows, throwing the french doors open and grabbing the railing. The wind whipped rain into his flesh and Newt yelled out into the night. Here were no lights on in the street and the wind ran circles around the buildings, throwing itself into a frenzy which pulled at Newts hair and turned the rain to a hail of bullets.  For a moment he through about letting go of the railing, about letting himself be thrown up into the air and away from this, away from his stagnation and away from the shadow of his lab partner of ten years.

A car door slammed below him and Newt opened his eyes, unaware that they had even closed. He looked down into the street to see a long black car slide away and around the corner. He shook his head and turned back to his apartment, closing the doors behind him. His skin was so cold now it was numb. Newt walked back to his bedroom and grabbed some clothes. He glanced at the clock, it was 2 am. He considered going back to bed for a few minutes before scoffing and heading for the bathroom.

After a hot shower and a fresh pot of coffee he resigned himself to slogging through his messages. He sent cheerful replies to his friends, congratulating them on their upcoming nuptials and thanking his lab assistants. As he scrolled through the messages he found a string of increasingly urgent sounding emails from Herc. He opened the last one and read without breathing.

_Newt,_

_Look, if you don’t get to this meeting tomorrow the brass is probably going to shut you and Dr. Gottlieb down. It’s at 1400 in the conference room at the shatterdome. Just let someone know you’re coming. I can understand of after everything you went through that you wouldn’t want to go anywhere near the kaiju again but there is an entire team under you two and I don’t want them to lose their jobs because you decided to hide away somewhere. I contacted Hermann but he never said if you were coming._

_I hope you make it_

_Herc_

Newt sat back in his chair and let out a shaky breath. His mind raced. He though back to VK-Day and the outpouring of joy in the shatter dome. He thought about the third day after where the brass had made it down and Herc had been in meetings all day. He had taken his lunch in his office that day and Newt had planned to head down to find out what was happening to the department.

He thought about when he had passed Hermann in the corridor.

His friend had been locked in his cabin since the night of the victory. Newt had thought maybe he was just sleeping since he had seemed so exhausted that night, Newt had helped back to his cabin and Hermann had let him. He still remembered the sweet slightly spicy scent of his shampoo as he held him to his chest, and the softness in his face as Newt turned to leave. Newt remembered the last words his friend had spoken to him that night.

“We did it didn’t we Newt”  

He remembered his reply, a twist of regret in his gut.

“We sure did Hermann.”

He wished now that he said more, maybe if he had said something about the storm that burst and broiled the back of his mind then maybe he wouldn’t be sat in a drafty apartment all alone.

He remembered how his stomach flipped as Hermann called him Newt, and the affection and wonder in his voice. Newt moaned as he thought about Hermann in that fucking corridor. His eyes had not met Newts when he greeted him with a friendly “What’s up buddy?” and he had not spoken. He just shrugged and scuttled past Newt as fast he could. At the time Newt had simply though Hermann was in one of his moods, maybe he was as worried as Newt had been about the future of their work, excited about the possibilities the victory had given them.

But that was it wasn’t it. He had been thinking of a future that included them both whereas Hermann had apparently been planning to disappear four days after VK day in the dead of night and without so much as a goodbye to his partner.

Newt’s stomach turned and he got up from the console to pour himself another coffee. He had dressed himself in a simple black t-shirt and his most comfortable too long jeans. His bare feet sunk into his carpet and Newt sat down on the floor. He had tried not to but his mind would not stop replaying the weeks after he left the shatterdome. He had planned to stay until they kicked him out but after two days of sitting in his lab staring at the empty spaces Hermann’s things had occupied he too fled the dome.

He had packed a bag and picked up a newspaper from a street vendor outside the dome. He found his apartment, the first listing on the page and called immediately. And this is where he had stayed.

At first he tried to carry on as if everything was fine, as if he didn’t feel a sense of overwhelming sadness at the back of his mind. Occasionally he would send an email off to Hermann hoping to get a reply. He had left no contact number so luckily there were no pitiful late night drunken calls but after two weeks of nothing he had given up on the pretence of acting like he didn’t miss him. Another week and he gave up on emails altogether. As the bureaucracy deepened around his department and he was given more and more confusing answers he gave up asking the shatterdome for help to find his friend.

He eventually resorted to trying to send his thoughts, his feelings of loss through the link he was sure was still between them and yet he still felt only pain and sadness.

Tears began to roll down Newts cheeks and he sniffled, rubbing his hands across his face. He was being pathetic. If Hermann had wanted to see him he would still be here. He had obviously just been waiting for his chance to lance himself of the biologist. For a moment Newt had considered perhaps he had died but he had discarded this scenario because he was certain that he would _know_.

He just would sense it if Hermann was gone forever.

Newt put his hot mug against his chest and wrapped himself around the warmth. He had left his glasses on his bedside table and so he was free to rub his face into his arms to wipe away his tears.

Yes, he was pathetic. What else was there to call a fully grown man who had fallen in love with his co-worker almost nine years previous and who was sat on a rented apartment’s floor crying because he partner didn’t secretly love him back after all?

It wasn’t like Hermann had ever given him any inkling he felt anything more than grudging respect for his work.

Ba-BOOM!

The entire flat lit up with blinding purple light and Newt scrabbled across the floor to press himself up against his kitchen counter. He pulled his knees to his chest and closed his eyes. Tears dripped down his cheeks as he tried to calm the panic thundering in his chest. The lightening storm must have been directly above him at this point because the rolling thunder came immediately after each flash and his floor shook with the force of the storm outside. Newt yelled out as the deafening roar tore through him and he covered his ears. He felt fear building at the back of his mind and he began to moan to himself.

“Nononononono”.

Another flash of light and Newt shuddered. Except this time after the thunder had its way with him the rumble didn’t stop and Newt opened his eyes? Lightning flashed again but this time Newt wasn’t hiding. He was heading to his door. Someone was pounding on it from the outside and Newt ran his hand across his face pressing his body to the wood throughout the wave of thunder. The door vibrated with the force of the other person and Newt hesitated.

He felt trapped. His only options were to face the fury of the storm or to face the fury of his mystery visitor.

Newt cowered as the lightening flashed again and reached for the lock. He had only realised it for a second before he was flung backwards. The storm boomed overhead and Newts heart leapt to his throat.

Stood in his doorway, soaking wet and bright red in the face was Hermann.


	2. Lightening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I had to split this middle piece in half because it was getting as bit too much all at once. Hope you guys like it! Please R&R :)

For a moment Newt just stared and Hermann’s eyes flickered around the mostly empty apartment. Newt scrubbed his hands across his face and tried to climb to his feet, tripping and reaching out for his counter as a boom of thunder tore through him. Herman took two steps in the door and slammed it behind himself, he still wasn’t looking at Newt and his face was still bright red. Newt didn’t know what to say, every thought died in his throat and as the purple lights sent jagged shadows across his ex-colleagues face he couldn’t look away. Tension and anger rolled off of Hermann’s shoulders and he slowly turned his head to glare directly into Newts soul.

“Doctor Geiszler, why have you not contacted Hansen?” His voice was empty and cold and Newt instantly bristled. Typical that the first words Hermann had given him in months were a pointed attack.

“I have had a lot on my mind Hermann.” His own voice was screechy and louder than he intended and Newts face flushed. “Not that _you_ would know that.” He mumbled the second part but the storm had gone quiet for a moment and Hermann blinked in surprise. For a second his mask of anger slipped and Newt felt a hot pick of satisfaction deep in his gut. At least he could still get to the man.

“What are you doing here? What, did Herc send you to hunt me down?”

Hermann looked away from him and limped to the living room. Newt stayed behind the counter, gripping on tight as another roll of thunder vibrated through him. Hermann was peeking around the corner into his bedroom and Newt bit his lip. There would be no missing the empty bottles of cheap beer and sleeping pills he had long since given up trying to clean away. Hermann sniffed but didn’t say anything as he limped to Newts bay windows, pulling the latch closed. His hand was twitching on the head of his cane and Newt stared at his back. Despite the anger he felt at his colleagues sudden arrival and the shame he felt at being found like this, his heart still lifted at the sight of the stupidly big puffa jack and Hermann’s too neat hairdo and the feeling that perhaps they didn’t need to actually say anything at all because he knew they could communicate only by expression. Unfortunately Newt couldn‘t resist.

“Hermann...”

His voice was no longer angry, instead he sounded pleading. His anger at the mathematician had always been explosive but it never lasted long. Hermann spun around on his heel and glared at him. “It is Doctor _Gottlieb_.”

Newt flinched but didn’t speak.

“The future of the department rests on your ability to act like an adult for once Dr Geiszler. I am here because I will not allow the livelihoods of our fellows to be taken away simply because we... because the Kaiju are no longer an immediate threat.”

Newt looked down at his hands, knuckles white against the counter. Petulant thoughts raged in his mind and he thought about asking Hermann how much **he** had done to save the department, at least Newt had stayed in the goddman country. He wanted so badly to demand answers from the man in front of him but instead all he could muster was a dejected sigh. There was no use asking Hermann about where he had gone or why right now, if their long history had taught him anything it was to pick his battles.

Not that he often chose to abide by the lesson.  

There was a shrill beep from Hermann’s pocket and he pulled out a phone. He sniffed at whatever message he had received and kept his eyes on the floor as spoke.

“You need to pack a bag.”

Newt frowned and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. “What? Why!?”

Hermann didn’t reply, instead he strode into Newts bedroom and began rifling through his cupboard. Newt winced as more evidence of the decline in his self control rolled out from under his bed. Hermann threw his bag onto the bed and began stuffing random clothes into it and Newt peered around the doorframe. “Why are you packing?”

Hermann breathed through his nose and glanced Newts way. “We are to go to Berlin. But first we have to go home and have you cleared for duty.”

“Cleared for duty? “

“Yes. You need the correct paperwork or they won’t allow you into the world congress Doctor Geiszler.”

“But I have already done all that. I have security clearance and a badge and everything!?”

“Yes, but then you went AWOL so your clearance was nullified.”

Newt spluttered and shook his head. Lightening boomed outside and he clung to the doorframe for a moment as Hermann’s impatient scowl flashed purple behind his eyelids. “No, that’s not right. I didn’t go AWOL. They knew where I was, I kept in contact!”

Hermann rounded the bed and moving faster than Newt had ever seen him he loomed over the scientist. “Except you didn’t. You went quiet and as the department had no lead there was no one to look for you and you were classed as AWOL.”

Newt glared up at him. “Yeah well, what about you?”

Hermann moved only slightly his eyes flickering for a second. “What could you possibly mean?”

“Well you went AWOL. You just fucking disappeared dude, how come you don’t have to be cleared huh? I mean I wouldn’t have to either if _you_ hadn’t run off.”

Hermann turned his back on Newt and headed for the ensuite.

“What makes you think I would have come after you?”

Newt flinched and he suddenly felt like crying again. Of course, why would Hermann come after him? His words had struck a little to close because deep down that was what Newt had hoped for, at first at least.

“As to your earlier question I did in fact keep in contact with Commander Hansen whilst I was...”

His voice echoed from the ensuite and Newt took the opportunity to peer around the doorframe at him unawares. Newt’s ensuite was tiny and he was now physically closer to Hermann than he had been in weeks. He was no more than an arms breadth away and he stared blankly as Hermann packed his shampoo and his razor into an expensive looking leather wash bag that must have belonged to the mathematician. He had trailed off whatever he had been saying and his face has lost its hardness. The cold blue light which had only ever highlighted Newts haggard features was kinder to Hermann. It reflected off of his ghost white skin like a halo and his dark eyes glittered and shone and Newt felt a wave of sadness wash over him. There was no escaping his ex-partners beauty here. There was no escaping how his veins thrummed for that soap and cotton smell which seemed to pour from every inch of Hermann. Newt sniffled giving himself away and he watched in awe at the speed of the masks return.

“Whilst you were what? Running away?”

Hermann looked straight through him and shouldered his way past to throw the wash bag into the suitcase. His phone beeped again and Newt crossed his arms. He was to tired, too filled with sadness to expend the energy needed to fight with Hermann. “The car is here.”

He launched the bag off of the bed and lunged unexpectedly to the side and Newt was across the room in two long strides. His hands immediately slipped under Hermann’s elbow and onto his waist and after a moment’s pause he gently took the heavy bag from the others grasp. He didn’t say anything but he stayed stood pressed to Hermann’s back his hand outstretched holding the bag and his other still on Hermann’s waist. The mathematician froze and for the briefest moment as if at a loss for what else to do he leant back into Newts chest before standing ramrod straight; his hands slipping on the handle of his cane. It found purchase in the tattered carpet and he abruptly stepped out to side and away from Newts embrace.

Newt didn’t say a word as he took the bag and headed to his kitchen to grab his keys, glancing around but finding nothing else he had any desire to take. He waited patiently at the door for Hermann to round the corner from the bedroom trying and failing to control the pounding in his chest and his heaving breath. Hermann had stood there alone for ten seconds before he brusquely pounded his way across the apartment and to the door.

Newt made sure to keep his distance as Hermann made his way down the stairs and out into the storm. He waited for the mathematician to leave the front door of his building before rushing quickly back to the bedroom and to the drawer which Hermann had thankfully ignored. He pulled it clean from the unit and upturned it into his suitcase. His music, notebooks of biology notes and his most prized possession stuck up haphazardly from on top of his clothes and Newt glanced back to the door for a moment before grabbing a half empty bottle of pills from their hiding place under his pillow.

After staring at the mess he had made on top of Hermann’s impressively neat folding Newt swallowed hard. Certain words Hermann had said bounced around the back of his mind and made his stomach turn and twist. He had said they were going home, home to the shatterdome. Newt let himself smile for a moment and bask in the idea that maybe just maybe Hermann didn’t look back on their time together cooped up in the tight hallways and close spaces of the shatterdome as the worst thing that ever happened to him after all.

He laughed at himself.  “Home is where the heart is.”

Newts smiled dropped from his face as he caught his reflection in his closet mirror. What was he doing!? He was reading too much into things again, this was how he had got into this mess in the first place. He slammed the suitcase shut guiltily and rushed out of the door before the urge to slam it shut and lock Hermann and the world out for good became too strong to resist. During their argument the storm had begun to move away, making way for a doubling down on the rain. It thundered around him as he skidded out of his front door on the slick pavement and the cool air bit at his arms and his lips and Newt shivered.

He threw his suitcase into the boot and slipped into the back seat flinching in surprise when he realised Hermann was sat next to him rather than up front and he tried not to let his confusion show. He had simply presumed Hermann would want to be as far from him as possible so to find him sat patiently with his hands clasped on his lap and his cane leant up against his knees was a shock.

He was staring at Newt again and shrugged his shoulders closing his arms around himself. He felt that judging stare in his dreams sometimes and he flushed. “What man? Sorry I didn’t mean to take so long?”

“Doctor Geiszler you have ten minutes. It wasn’t the length of time I am concerned about it is that you did not take the opportunity to get dressed...”

Newt blinked. Oh, right. His bare feet suddenly felt very naked curling in the cars carpet. His shirt was soaked through and Newt pulled his legs up to cover himself. Hermann blinked twice and looked out of his window. His hand reached for his cane and his fingers wrapped around the end twisting tightly before going back to his lap. Newt tore his eyes away to stare out at the rain. He could still see the flashes of lightening in the distance as the car hurtled towards the shore. He had forgotten to give a snappy comeback and Newt thought for a brief second about what to say before the words died in the gravestone of his throat again.

He felt so tired, his coffee had done nothing to dent the tiredness which dragged and pulled at his every waking moment and as they drove further and further from the storm his eyes began to droop. The drive was a short one and Newt knew he wasn’t going to make it. He had no fight in him to stop the weight of sleep from falling on him. His back and feet sunk into the leather seat and he closed his eyes.

_He was running through the street the air whipping at his hair and pulling his jacket open and Newt laughed out loud. He was free and his bare feet slapped against the cool pavement as he ran. He dodged through street stalls and past young couples who smiled and waved at the running scientist. He turned a corner and skidded to a halt all joy sucked from his throat as the world shuddered and blinked into darkness. He tried to catch his breath but the metallic tang of an oncoming storm bristled in the air and Newts heart would not stop pounding._

_There was a figure at the end of the street and Newt began to walk towards them. The figure seemed familiar and Newt could almost feel the other person’s presence. He had to warn them, he had to get them away from the storm before it arrived. He was only ten feet away when the floor erupted and an unnamed kaiju burst upwards swallowing the figure whole and Newt screamed. It reached out for him and its tentacles wrapped around his arms and slapped him hard across the face and Newt gasped screaming until he had no breath left._

The rain suddenly began to pour and Newt jolted awake. He had been pulled from the cars interior onto the sidewalk and Hermann was stood over him his face beetroot red again. His hands were gripping the front of Newts shirt and he was panting heavily.

“Wha-“

“Newton are you awake? You are safe. Answer me, **are you awake**?”

Hermann’s voice was low and sharp and the rain streamed over his glasses. Newt pulled sluggishly at the mathematicians hands and was dropped unceremoniously to the floor. He sat on the pavement for a few moments frowning and trying to force himself to breathe as the cold seeped into his trousers and Hermann hovered over him with the mask firmly in place.

“What was that?”

Newt pulled himself to his feet and leant against the car. He was embarrassed, he had never meant for Hermann to see him like that. He wrapped his arms around himself and wriggled his bare feet. He couldn’t feel his toes. “What, have you never seen someone have a nightmare before. Jesus Hermann you didn’t have to throw me out of the car.” His words were angry and he spat them with as much venom as he could muster. He was tired and cold and the entire situation was everything he didn’t want his first time seeing Hermann again to be.

Hermann didn’t reply and Newt waited. They stood in the rain in silence for what felt like eternity until Hermann walked back around the car and slid back into his seat. He poked his head towards Newts open door and blinked at him. “I did not push you out. You threw yourself from the car. I suppose we are lucky that this is a red light.”

He slid back into the gloom and Newt bit his fist. Stupid snidey Hermann. Stupid fucking nightmares.

 


	3. Shelter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow okay so this is another long one. Thanks to Dani for helping decide on a few plot points here. Thank you for all the kudos <3

A warm burst of air battered Newt across the face as they walked into the Shatterdome. His glasses steamed up instantly and he grumbled rubbing them on his soaking wet shirt. It cleared them but left irritating drops of water. Newt put them on anyway and rubbed his arms. He heard a soft sigh from beside him before Hermann reached out and gently took his glasses away. Newt blinked at him but he was too far away to see clearly and the driver was dropping his bag to the floor beside him so he bent down to pick it up with both hands.

As he turned to face Hermann again the mathematician gently slipped his glasses back into place, fingertips brushing softly against his cheek as he pulled away and Newt held his breath. Hermann was staring into his eyes as if he wasn’t even there, as if his stupid obsessive brain had ejected and all he could see was a puzzle in Newts eyes.

But then the moment passed and Hermann turned away to speak to the driver. Newt blinked at his spotlessly clean glasses and wriggled his bare feet on the solid concrete. He was losing his mind clearly because they did NOT just have a _moment_.

The lift to their left rang and opened with a swishing sound to reveal Herc Hansen and Raleigh Beckett. They stared at Newt and Newt stared back opening his mouth to comment but Hermann was already pushing his way in front of him.

Newt jumbled the bag in his hands. Why were they even awake at this time of the morning? He was dripping on the smooth floor and for a moment that was the only sound, before Hermann began asking questions and explaining his plan for the day and assuring Herc that Newt would be on the plane to Berlin before Thursday, and Newt put the bag down because Raleigh was walking over to him and he couldn’t stop thinking about how he didn’t know what day it was. He could have a week before he had to get on that plane or he could have just a few hours and the warmth of the Shatterdome seeped into his bones but he didn’t relax. He couldn’t because Raleigh was looking at him like he had been stopped in the middle of one of his famous rants even though he had been silent this whole time and Raleigh took the bag from him.

“Hey man. Thanks for your message...we were starting to worry about you...”

“Worry about? Ha I drifted with a kaiju remember, **twice** actually.  I can survive anything. What were you worried was going to happen huh? Sorry we can’t all be like you Mr. hero.” He was babbling but to be back here in this stupid hallway with Raleigh looking at him like that and Hermann and Herc watching him from the lift he felt like he was on trial and he didn’t know how to make them think he was okay. He couldn’t lie about the weight he had lost and the state of his clothes and the wild length of his hair and Newt blushed.

Raleigh laid a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, okay. The doc says you have an appointment with medical...do you want me to take your bag? It’s on my way...”

Hermann swooped around his shoulder. “That is not necessary. I am sure doctor Geiszler would like to get changed before his appointment, and it’s Doctor _Gottlieb_.” Raleigh nodded at him, shrugging at Hermann’s stern tone and the two men shared a glance that must have meant something because he put the bag back down at Newts feet.

Herc gestured for Raleigh and he gave Newt another concerned glance before following the older man away. That left just Hermann and Newt alone in the empty hallway the distant sounds of the Shatterdome rumbling in Newts bones and he could no longer hear the storm outside. He was separated from the outside world and he finally relaxed. His eyes slid shut for a moment and he smiled because he was home.

Hermann’s voice cut through his body like a knife and Newt sucked in a breath, he could feel his old energy seeping back into his bones so he hurled the bag up and jogged a little to catch up to the mathematician who was somehow already in the middle of a rant of his own.

“I must admit I do not know the extent of these ‘changes’.” He actually flexed his fingers in air quotes and Newt grinned wild and free. He had missed Hermann’s obvious disdain for anybody else messing with anything in their department. His grin grew even bigger as he remembered his surprise the first time he had suggested moving the blackboards to the other side of the office so Hermann had more space. They had previously been up near the mezzanine and Newt had gotten sick and tired of watching his friend hobble up and down to write his thoughts down. He had wanted to move his medical equipment up there instead to make space for Hermann's massive wooden desk and his blackboards and his bookshelves. He recalled so clearly the way Hermann had listened to his reasoning and had just nodded. No angry retorts about his abilities or about nosy biologists messing in things that had nothing to do with them. Hermann had always said that word as if describing piece of dog shit on his shoe. _Biologists_.  The next day when Newt had made it back to their space he had found the blackboards moved and Hermann already hard at work. He hadn't said anything but internally he had revelled in the fact Hermann had let him and him alone mess with his things.

At least that once.

He ran into Hermann’s back and it was like hitting a wall. Newt dropped the bag and shook his head.

Hermann turned around and glared at him.

“I do wish you wouldn't daydream Doctor Geiszler. Did you hear a single thing I just said?”

“No but I bet it when something like blah blah blah Newt you stink, Newt you should sleep more often Newt why is this here Newt you are always in the way blah blah maths is the only true science blah blah.”

Hermann’s eyes narrowed and he dramatically flung the door to his left open revealing Newts old bunk. It hadn't been touched. Everything was still all over the floor and Newt winced at the smell. Hermann just stood there in his stupid puffa jacket his hands clasping at the head of his cane. He was actually blocking the way a little bit so when Newt heaved his bag over the threshold his shoulder brushed up against the mathematician’s chest. Unfortunately the minute he made it to the middle of his room he heard Hermann’s cane on the metal floor tapping its way across the hallways to his own room. He slipped inside and poked his head around the door.

“I would suggest you unpack and shower before your meeting with medical. You have one hour. I have some paperwork to file as your...superior. Do not disturb me.” He quirked an eyebrow and Newt bristled.

They had fought over who had the right to call themselves the head of kaiju sciences for almost two months but the brass had refused to allow two names as head. Eventually Newt let Hermann have it based solely on the added paperwork he would have to fill out.

 “It’s just a TITLE! IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!”

Newts protest seemed to fall on deaf ears and he grumbled pushing a space for his bag on the mess on the floor before grabbing a fresh t-shirt and some jeans from his cupboard.

Fresh out of the shower he began kicking the clothes and books and bits of stained blue lab equipment around his floor until he could at least move freely. It was only then he actually opened the suitcase Hermann had packed for him. He knelt on the floor staring at his work and his things and on top sat his most prized possession.

He reached out and grabbed the fancy engraved pen from the top of the pile and sat on the edge of his bunk just staring at it in his hands. It was heavy and made of glossy polished wood. Engraved in the side were the initials H.G inlaid with a pearly white stone that left thin cold lines in Newts hand. He had held onto this pen for almost ten years now. He had always meant to return it somehow, he had on multiple occasions tried placing it on Hermann’s desk or slipping it into his pocket. But these times were always followed by a panicked attempt to steal back what was now a token of his and Hermann’s relationship...well the professional space they had shared at least.

It was his good luck charm.

“What is that?”

Newt’s fingers closed so quickly he could feel his tendons clench all the way up his arm. “It’s nothing.”

Hermann raised an eyebrow but didn't comment. “You are late. You should have left ten minutes ago. Really doctor Geiszler must I shepherd you around all day?”

Newt didn't answer and Hermann shook his head. He started to walk off down the hall and Newt waited for him to reach the stairs before he got to his feet, slipping the pen into his jeans pocket.

Despite Hermann’s constant assurances that he had better things to do then watch Newt take a physical he stayed in the corner of the room scribbling in an obnoxiously large ledger as Newt jogged on a treadmill. His heart monitor beeped loudly in his ear and he glared over at his former partner. His heart rate jumped a little when Hermann suddenly looked up from his furious scribbling and stared at him. Newt began to slow down and the doctor gave him a disproving tut. Newt sped up again and focussed on the wall opposite.

“I still don’t see why I have to go through all this bullshit when I didn't even leave the country.”

“And I have made it perfectly clear that I filed correct leave and kept director Hansen up to date with my whereabouts...unlike **you** doctor Geiszler.”

“So I forgot to send him one email so what, it’s not like they don’t know who I am Hermann. I just think this whole thing is pointless. I am fine and more importantly I only lost contact for like three weeks at most.”

Hermann put his ledger down with a thump on the floor next to him. Unfortunately he dislodged Newts jeans and t-shirt which he had changed for the medical jogging pants and white tank top leaving his own clothes in a heap on the floor.

“No, Doctor Geiszler you lost contact for-“

He was interrupted by a soft clinking sound.

The pen rolled out onto the polished tile and Hermann’s eyes followed its path until it was stopped by his own foot. Newt swallowed hard and cursed himself for not folding his clothes and putting them on the counter like Hermann had pointedly told him to do from the other side of the curtain. He had just been in such a rush to change before Hermann got bored waiting and tried to dress him himself.

Hermann bent down and picked up the pen turning over in his hands. He just kept staring at it and Newt began to panic and his stupid heart monitor began to speed up and the medical examiner turned it off.

“You are free to leave Newt. I’ll send a copy of my report to Doctor Gottlieb.”

Newt just nodded absent-mindedly at her and got down from the treadmill. Hermann still wasn't looking at him and Newt grabbed his clothes from the pile on the floor. He went to say something, to explain why he still had that stupid fucking pen but the words died in his throat. He slipped behind the curtain and changed quickly. He ended up standing just behind it unable to make the move and pull it back. He couldn't explain why he had held onto it for so long, and it wasn't like Hermann didn't remember because he would've just ignored it if he didn't and Newt didn't know what to do but his heart was pounding in his chest and his mouth was dry.

After about a minute he finally got up the nerve and yanked the curtain back trying to act exactly as confident as he didn't feel. Hermann was not holding the pen any more. In fact he was gone and the pen was left on his chair. Newt tried to ignore the disappointment in his gut. It was not that he wanted to face what that stupid pen meant but he craved the release of finally knowing that Hermann understood everything.

It was this that was on his mind as he wandered back over to the offices they had shared and tried to ignore the overwhelming sadness that washed over him when he realised Hermann wasn't there. Hermann’s side of the room had not changed one tiny bit, in fact the calculations from VK day were still scribbled across the black board and Newt glanced around before walking over to them.

It was funny to him that such an important piece of history was still just stood here like a mundane piece of furniture. The evidence of just how brilliant his partner was left forgotten. “This belongs in a museum or something...”

Newt mumbled to himself and the noise sounded so small in the large empty room which he remembered being so full of life and electricity. He wrapped his arms around himself and leant against Hermann’s desk.

His own side of the room had been boxed up.

Newt thought about the lower level members of the team filing away his papers and his bits of kaiju and his notes and his stupid little drawings of Hermann and he sucked in a deep breath because it suddenly felt like a giant stone on his chest. His tanks were wrapped in clear plastic and he touched the one containing his old brain. It was humming softly and the dull light filtered out through the layer leaving trials across his outstretched arm. Newt sighed and took an inventory of the number of boxes the sheer scale of the work he had written down and the neatly placed boxes of what must have been his kaiju sample. Each one bore a large purple sticker on the outside of a medial cooler.

‘ **High level clearance only. Biological Samples.** ’

He laughed. At the moment not even he had the clearance to open them. Newt glanced to the corridor and smirked. Well since when did a stupid thing like access or clearance stop him? He jogged around the desk and opened the nearest box. Inside was every paper he had from his correspondence with a New York based laboratory that had helped with a specific aspect of the acidity of kaiju blood. They were placed in what looked like time starting with the latest on the top and going older. Each piece was stapled together with a little binder holding them together. Newt raised his eyebrows. Wow, the team had really put a lot of effort into sorting through his mounds of stuff. He resolved to thank them properly...well maybe after he saved the department that was.

He began taking the lids off of all the boxes finding a similar neat order to everything. There was even a box containing his drawings and doodles and notes he had made to basically annoy Hermann. Newt laughed and pulled the box down from the pile and onto his lap as he sat crossed legged on the floor. He pulled them out at random laughing at his cartoonish little stick figures. His trip down memory lane was interrupted by a polite cough far behind him. Newt turned his head and pushed his green rolling chair out of the way. A woman he didn't recognise was standing patiently by the door.

“Doctor Geiszler-“

“Call me Newt” He interrupted her on instinct and smiled trying to put her at ease. She was clearly one of Hermann’s choices, her pens clipped to her pocket, a professional shirt and tie and sensible shoes. Yeah she was one of Hermann’s.

“Excuse me, Newt I was told to make sure you have eaten and to tell you that your....your meeting with the psychologist is at 1000 hours.”

“Oh right...” He had forgotten all about that. He had barely passed the psych report the first time so he wasn't exactly looking forward to his next meeting. The moment was awkward and she kept glancing at the door. “Uhm you can go...”

She nodded and smiled at him making for the stairs.

Newt paused. “Wait!” He jumped to his feet and jogged across the lab and out in the hallway. She was stood looking slightly offensively as if she was scared of him. “I uh...what time is it?”

She raised her eyebrows. “It’s 0500.”

“Oh...”

She seemed to relax a little. “It’s Tuesday morning...”

Newt nodded. That was not what he had meant to ask her but it did seem to help quell the churning in the back of his mind a little. “Can I just ask...who sent you to tell me that?”

She seemed surprised. “Doctor Gottlieb asked me to make sure you were keeping to schedule.”

“Right right... and where is he?”

“He has retired for a rest so he can be present for a meeting with director Hansen at 1200.”

“Oh right so...”

“I wouldn't disturb him.”

Newt nodded looking away from her now slightly concerned expression.

“Doctor-“

“ **Newt** ”

“ _Newt_ , I know you don’t know me and it might not be my place but...doctor Gottlieb....he is different.”

“Different? In what way?”

“He seems sad... we were just wondering how well the discussions-”

Newt frowned, she seemed genuinely concerned and he wanted to  make sure that their team knew that despite what happened and how weird it was between them now that the most important thing for both him and Hermann  was the fight for the department. He interrupted her. “You don’t need to worry about that. You know Hermann; he is always in a grump about something. The man isn't happy unless he is sad.” He gave her a bright fake smile and it seemed to relax her.

She smiled back and nodded his way. “Oh, right thanks. I will let the guys know, it was just that doctor Gottlieb never really says how things are going; he always seems to only be interested in what we are working on.”

“Yeah well, you know him. He is all work work work haha.” He kept smiling that stupid fake smile. She nodded and turned away and Newt could feel it slide of his face. So Hermann was using team members to talk to him now. Not even after the great kaiju liver fight had he resorted to this.

He definitely remembered that stupid pen. Newt pulled it from his pocket and stared down at it.

Stupid pen.

He made it back to his room very slowly. The halls cocooned him and he felt the constant gusts of warm air that crawled around the shatterdomes’ interior sinking into his bones. It made him feel less empty, less stretched out and thin. By the time he got back to his room he was tired enough to flop straight onto his bunk. He kicked off his sneakers and pushed his glasses off of his face onto the mattress where he would probably roll over them and crush them. His eyelids drooped and he found he didn't care.  He looked over to his open door.

Hermann had always said it was barbaric how he always left it open, how he allowed any passer-by to look and see the dishevelled hovel he called home. Newt had argued it was just a place to sleep and his most important belongings were all in the lab so what was the point of shutting the door?

Newt laughed. That was bullshit. He didn't close the door because he wanted to be able to get out of here and back to work at a moment’s notice. Plus he occasionally got to see Hermann leave in the morning and the sight of a freshly showered Hermann with his damp hair and pink face always made getting out of a bed a more attractive prospect. His eyes drooped shut with that image on his mind.

_He was walking down that street now, the sun was shining and he could smell cotton and flowers on the air. The sun beat down on his face and Newt smiled. He took his time to dip and dive between the people walking past. For some reason the fact that nobody was looking at him was comforting, he was a ghost. He was free._

_He turned a corner and instead of the kaiju storm he found himself alone in an empty street. He was no longer in Hong Kong, no the buildings here were much older and the street was cobbled reflecting the sun back in shimmering patterns on grey brick walls. Piano music wafted across the road and his heart lifted. It was the overture from a musical he had seen once in London when he should have been at a boring conference. Newt laughed and approached the house peering around the wooden window frame to see a man leant over a dark oak piano in the corner of what looked like a small library. The window was open slightly and he could smell sweet spices. There was a small fireplace in the corner which crackled with soft light and Newt leant in closer. The sky above him opened up and it began to snow. He listened to the soft patter of snowflakes on the glass and against his shoulder and he rubbed his hands together against the cold._

_The man at the piano abruptly stopped playing and got up. He reached out and grabbed a cane which had been hidden from Newts view by the piano and began to hobble towards the open window. Newt sucked in a breath. It was **Hermann** ; but his hair was longer and less severe. It curled around his ears and the collar of the plaid shirt he was wearing. He had the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and Newt stared at his bare forearms as his fingers tensed on his cane. He was less thin than normal and his cheeks were full of colour. He was wearing tan slacks and a pair of red and white striped socks and Newt grinned because he had never seen Hermann looking so...informal. He was beautiful. _

_There was no way he wouldn't see Newt if he kept heading across the room and the biologist gripped his hands together in anticipation. But Hermann didn't see him. Instead he walked right up to the window until they were only segregated by the smooth glass and pressed his palm forwards to close it. Newts hand automatically reached out as if to touch his partners palm but he managed to suppress it and stuffed it in his pocket instead._

_Hermann furrowed his brow as he slid the window shut and turned to look at a desktop computer hidden away in what must at one point been a desk but now looked like a mini bookshelf. An icon flashed as a new email arrived. He limped over to it and leant down to read a soft gentle smile spreading across his lips. He looked so much like the Hermann from Newts bathroom except this Hermann looked so deeply happy that Newt couldn't look any more._

_He turned away for second. When he looked back Hermann was gone and the door beside him clicked open. He knew Hermann couldn't see him so he stepped out to watch him leave. There was a bright smile on his face and he was wearing a red sweater over the plaid shirt and a neatly tailored black coat over that. He turned the collar up against the now heavily falling snow and began to make his way down the path._

_He froze suddenly and Newt blinked. Hermann was staring right at him._

_“What are **you** doing here?”_

_Newt opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by a piercing screech which tore through the quiet street and blew the snow back against his neck. The sky darkened and Newt froze. The shrill scream broke out again and Hermann grabbed his cane tightly falling back against the steps to the house._

_“What is happening!? What is that!?”_

_Newt sucked in a breath and turned his head slowly. A category three kaiju towered above them its hundreds of beady eyes boring a hole in him and Newt couldn't breathe, he couldn't scream. His legs turned to jelly and he tried to run, he tried to reach Hermann, desperately stretching out to push him up the stairs. “Go! You have to go! Get out, it’s not safe. It’s after **me**. Just run!” _

_Hermann gripped Newts forearms where the biologist had tripped over onto him and shook his head. He was ghostly pale and the fear that burned in his eyes made Newt retch. “Please please, you have to go you have to get away from me.” The kaiju let out another shrill scream and began to make its way towards them pair. Each step shook the ground and caused a boom of thunder to shake Newt to the core and he screamed. Its enormous claw came down over them and he gripped Hermann tight sobbing._

_“NOoooo.”_

Newt woke up panting on the floor. His glasses lay in two pieces wrapped in the bedsheets beside him. His alarm clock blinked underneath his bunk.

It was 0613.

 


	4. Breeze

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt comes to a few realisations and makes a breakthrough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay these are getting longer and longer. Sorry I tend to ramble a bit.

Newt gave up on trying to get back to sleep after two hours of tossing and turning. He grabbed his smashed glasses and headed out the door. It was still early enough that he could make back to their lab before Hermann finished his morning rounds. That was the benefit of having an obsessive stuck up dickwad as your partner. You could always guess where they were. Newt changed into a clean white shirt his favourite blue tie and a pair of jeans he hadn’t worn in almost two years. They were a little tight but they were the only clean things he had which hadn’t been packed neatly by Hermann.  He snuck out of his open door tiptoeing his way down the hall.

The office was muggy and warm and Newt knocked the air-con on as he headed for his pile of boxes. He knew he had at least two spare pairs of glasses or at least some tape in one of them. It was just a matter of finding them. He glanced at the clock. 0834 in the morning. He had to hurry. Hermann would be there at 0845. He would get a coffee from the canteen on his way back from the lower offices and he would storm into the room.

He was hidden amongst the pile rifling through a desk drawer box when he heard the tell tale tapping of Hermann’s cane on the floor. He froze on the spot trying to breathe as quietly as possible. From his spot in the maze of his things he could see strips of Hermann’s blackboards and the medical tech area. Hermann tapped over to his 3D computer console waving his hands at it. Newt squinted; Hermann was carrying something over the crook of his arm. It looked oddly familiar and Newt inched his way to the side to peek out. Hermann was hunched over the console pulling at the edges of some complex mathematical graphic. He was typing something in and Newt craned his neck to get a better view.

Hermann’s hair was still in its fluffy stage and he was wearing a fresh blue shirt under his lime sweater vest and his brown corduroy suit. Newt hated that suit. It was the worst fitting ugliest thing Hermann owned. The distinct smell of hazelnut coffee wafted over him and Newt smiled. He had given Hermann that bottle of coffee syrup almost three years ago. Luxuries like that were hard to come by during the kaiju war and Newt had been fretting for what to get his partner for Christmas. He had wanted to get him something special because he knew Hermann had been going through his divorce at the time. He ended up stealing the little set from a collection of gift bags at a university event in New York. He had been invited to speak that day but ended up skipping it to watch Hermann’s talk on the bare bones model of the rift he had developed.

Hermann had no idea he had even been there that day. Newt let out a soft puff of air.

The computer dinged and Hermann made a satisfied sound.

“Estimated running time, 3 hours and 16 minutes.”

The mathematician nodded and straightened up. Newt put a hand over his mouth to disguise the little sigh he let out. Hermann was wearing his glasses, the ones with the thin round frames. Tendo always said they made him look about fifty years older but Newt secretly loved them. Hermann gave his boxes a thoughtful look before tapping his way over. Newt crouched a little and shifted himself around a little corner to hide. Hermann leant against his empty exam table and lifted the jacket which had been over his arm. He held it up by the shoulders before glancing around guiltily.

Newt couldn’t see him clearly after that because he moved behind the boxes to his left. He heard Hermann breathing close by and them a soft thlump as he put the jacket down before hurriedly making his way out of the office and down towards the teams level. Newt reached into his nearest box and his fingers found his glasses instantly. He slid them on with shaky hands. He didn’t know why he hid like that. It was partly because he didn’t want to face Hermann but also because he didn’t want to force Hermann to see him too. Newt crashed out from behind his boxes and rounded the corner.

On his half covered exam table was his favourite leather jacket, the one that had been missing since the night of VK day.

Newt blinked at it and reached out feeling the seams and lifting it up to sniff the collar and going through the pockets because he couldn’t believe that it was _his_ god damn jacket. He slipped it on over his tee and it fit like a glove. Newt laughed, he had missed this jacket. His smile dropped. Why the hell did Hermann have it?

A thousand excuses ran through his brain and he was jolted from his panic by a hand on his arm and the warm welcoming smile of Tendo. “Newt my man!”

“Heey buddy.”

They shared a brief hug and Newt forced a smile. Tendo pulled back with his hands on Newts shoulders. He looked him up and down and a tiny frown set itself on his face. “Hey, how you been doing?”

“Fine fine, I have to redo all my clearance and that so...” He shrugged as if it wasn’t a big deal and Tendo’s hands tightened their grip.

“Yeah? That sucks man...I was starting to worry about you...everyone was.” 

Newt blushed and shrugged Tendo’s hands off. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and began to head towards medical. Tendo let out a short puff of air and jogged a little to catch up.

“I take it the herm- meister found you then?” Newt nodded but didn’t speak and he could feel Tendo’s fake jolly tone start to slip. “You two talked much?”

Newt glanced over to him. Did he know? Had somebody finally seen how fucking blatant he had been. Tendo just stared blankly back at him and Newt sighed. “Yeah man. A little. But I don’t think he wants to talk to me you know...”

“Why’s that?”

Newt raised his eyebrows. “Dude... no you know what. It doesn’t matter.” he sped up but it was not enough to stop Tendo catching up to him a hand back on his shoulder.

“Hey hey wait, look. I lost a lot of good friends because of the kaiju Newt. I am not about to lose you two idiots as well.” Newt spun around dislodging his grasp and Tendo pushed him into the lift as a small group of team members rounded the end of the corridor. The lift doors shut and Newt avoided looking at his friend.

“Newt listen to me. Hermann has been working himself to death since he got back and he kept out of your business as much as possible but when Herc couldn’t find you he...he just disappeared. He was gone and we thought he had... well we didn’t know what to think. “

Newt blinked. His attempt to block Tendo out failed utterly and he took his hands from his pockets to put them on his hips. He spun on his heel and stared at his own reflection in the button console. He could still see the red ring around his eye. Hermann’s had faded but Newts still burned as a reminder of what he had achieved. “No that’s not _right_. Herc sent him after me.”

“Is that what he told you? No, Herc was at his wits end sure but he was willing to let Hermann talk to the brass alone. Not that it helped much...”

“Wait, what does that mean?”

“The meeting was the day before he got you I think. I don’t know what Hermann said but they flew out for Berlin the next day and nobody knows what exactly the status of the department is. Herc hasn’t said anything, Hermann basically just keeps telling people to get back to work and that’s it. He sent them away and disappeared and then he came back with you.”

“ _Oh_.”

The lift dinged and Tendo gently put a hand to his back towards medical. “Newt, look after yourself okay?”

Newt nodded absentmindedly and Tendo crossed his arms leaning in a little closer. “And keep an eye on your worst half eh?”

Newt twitched the corner of his mouth but didn’t comment and Tendo left him with a sad wave. Newt made his way through the corridors to the psych office and slumped into one of the crappy plastic chairs lined up outside. He looked at the clock on the wall opposite him. It was 0936. Newt sighed and crossed his ankles Tendo’s words circling around and around in his mind.  He pulled the leather jacket off as the warmer winds lower in the shatterdome whistled around d him. He left it on the seat next to him.

The fuzzy cloud of pain and sadness broiled in the back of his thoughts and Newt rubbed his hands under his glasses lifting them up and away from his face. He groaned and they slipped from his face bouncing onto the floor with a crash. The door opposite opened and Newt took his hands away from his face. Even without his glasses there was no mistaking the stooped form of Hermann and the soft fluffy pink exterior of his medical examiner.

Newt leant down to scrabble around the floor. His fingers found purchase and he slipped them on. Hermann and the examiner had stopped mid conversation and were staring down at Newt on his knees on the floor. Hermann’s face was pink high on his cheekbones and his eyes flickered over Newt first and then to the chair where his jacket sat and back to Newt with a palpable _something_ in them.

“Well I suppose miracles do happen. He is not only on time but is early!” The examiner smiled broadly and Hermann looked away from Newt.

“Quite.”

He shook the man’s hand and turned to stride past and down the corridor as fast as possible. Newt stared after him taking some consolation the Hermann couldn’t resist a glance back at he turned the corner.

The examiner gestured behind him and Newt slunk into the room. It was small and pokey and the walls were lined with books. Two battered but comfy looking armchairs were wedged in beside a cast iron desk and Newt dropped into the furthest one from the door. He sat with his hands pressed between his knees taking in the examiners pink sweater vest and his too bright smile and the enormous ledger he held clasped under his elbow.

Newt recognised that ledger.

It was the one Hermann had been scribbling in. He felt sick. What had his former partner been writing about him?

The examiner closed his door and took his time placing himself in the chair crossing his legs at the knee and placing the ledger on it. He flipped it open and Newt swallowed hard at the liens and lines of Hermann’s untidy scrawl he saw on the pages as the therapist opened it to its last entry.

“So Doctor Geiszler-“

“Call me Newt.”

The examiner raised an eyebrow and put his pen down with a warm smile. “Okay then. Newt, it has been a few years since we spoke last.” Newt nodded and moved his hands to rest on top of his knees. “A lot has happened since then, before we begin is there anything you want to get off your chest?”

Newt didn’t say anything. He couldn’t stop thinking about Hermann actually being the one to look for him and the stupid book and that fucking pen and everything was all mixed up and confused and he didn’t know how to lie his way through this one. The examiner waited patiently for a few moments before tapping his pen on the edge of the ledger.

“Well okay then, let’s start with the nightmares you have been experiencing. What would you like to tell me about them? It says here in doctor Gottlieb’s extensive notes that you have had difficulty falling asleep. Do you think this is because of the nightmares or might there be another reason...”

Newt just stared at him and the examiner pouted his lips before leaning in a little closer. Of course Hermann would have written a fucking book about Newts problems. It was probably a bullet point by bullet point breakdown of his entire psyche in that god damn book. Newt wondered how long he had been writing in that thing. He tried desperately to remember if he had seen it before VK day.

“Newt, I am sure you are aware of the possible negative side effects of a dr-“

“It’s not...it’s not that. It’s the Kaiju...it was Otachi Beta.” It had dawned on him in that moment. If they found out he was having after effects of the drift he would never be allowed to continue working on the kaiju let alone with Hermann. Newt hoped his half truth was enough to convince the examiner. He waited his fingers digging into his legs and cold sweat running down his back. The examiner narrowed his eyes and sat back in his chair.

“I understand that you had a very personal experience with Otachi.”

“Yeah if by personal you mean it followed me through the city, tried to eat me and then gave birth to otachi beta who also tried to eat me. Yeah pretty personal.”

“Can you tell me what happens in these nightmares? Do they follow a similar theme or...”

Newt nodded. He knew where this was going. He knew he had PTSD and that was going to go in the report but it wasn’t like there was a huge shortage of people suffering from kaiju attacks. If the brass fired every person with PTSD in the PPDC then there would be about three people left. Newt nodded and pulled his legs up to cover his chest. He crouched in the chair and looked away from the examiners intense gaze. “It’s not always the same one, sometimes its Leatherback sometimes it’s Kaiceth. But it always starts the same way. I am just in the city, any city and then a Kaiju attacks and I know it’s coming for me. I know that the only reason the people around me are dying is because of me and so I try to get away and to get it out somewhere safe but I never make it in time. He always dies.”

The examiner put down his pen. “Who?”

“What?”

“ _Who_ always dies?”

Newt blinked. Okay maybe he had gotten a bit wrapped up in finally being able to tell someone the things he saw every night. He had not meant to mention the man. “Uh, I don’t know man. It’s just some guy who is always sort of there. That’s normally when I wake up, when he gets-“ He trailed off. His heart was being to beat a little faster and he could see the figure being swallowed by the unnamed Kaiju in his mind and he swallowed hard as the desire to cry forced its way up from his churning stomach. The examiner leant forwards and put a hand on Newts knee. He pulled away from the contact but looked the man in the face.

“It’s okay Newt. Do you think you know this man? Or is he just a blank figure?”

Newt shrugged. He could feel his mind rebelling every time he tried to focus on the figures face.  “I understand from doctor Gottlieb’s notes that you have been using drugs and alcohol to help you get to sleep is that correct?” Newt didn’t say anything but the examiner seemed to take that as conformation. “That is okay Newt. Drug and alcohol abuse are very common in cases of PTSD.”

And there it was. Newt relaxed his shoulders a little but kept his legs pulled up to cover his chest. It was so warm in the office and all he could think about was how much he wanted to go back to his lab and lie under the cooling fans.

 “What is important for you to heal is a good support structure. This is the number of a Kaiju survivors support group that I think would really help you come to terms with your experiences and I would also like to recommend that you engage me as a therapist for a period of at least twelve weeks to make sure that you are making inroads into getting healthy again.”

Newt didn’t take the piece of paper offered to him. The thought of going to a group and talking about Otachi and about the sheer terror he had felt in those moments was a bad idea. He was pretty sure that the other members of the group weren’t going to feel the genuine love and awe Newt still felt for Kaiju and he knew that he would not be able to stop himself from trying to make them understand. No that was a bad idea.

The examiner took his outstretched hand back and crossed his legs over to the other side. “Hm, if a support group seems a little daunting right now you can always start by just talking to a  friend...or me if that’s what you would prefer?”

Newt shook his head as the examiner spoke. He didn’t want this man in his head anymore than he wanted an entire group of survivors looking at him the way Raleigh had the first time they had met.

“Well, if not me perhaps doctor Gottlieb? I know that you two work very closely together, in fact you shared a meld didn’t you...”

Newt swallowed hard the desire to run away came back in full force as well as the lump in his throat. The examiner tilted his head and shifted in his seat. “I am sensing that doctor Gottlieb is a sensitive subject for you Newt. He seemed very concerned with your mental state...I assumed you were friends.”

Newt laughed bitterly and immediately regretted it. He did not like this examiner. In fact he hated him and yet he couldn’t help himself. “So did I”

“So you two are not friends?”

“I don’t know man. One minute he is out pacing Hong Kong looking for me, making sure I get through all this bullshit, shit I bet he was even the one to box all my stuff right?” He thought about all that neat packing and the care that had clearly been put into it. The only person that _anal_ was Hermann. He was stupid not to realise that before. “But then he is avoiding me and he is so angry all the time. “

“From what I have heard you have always had a volatile relationship?”

“No man, not like this. Sure we had our ups and downs but he always had a good reason to argue with me and he was always loud about it. Now he just stands there all silent and infuriating. Doc, I don’t know what happened to him but after VK day he was a different dude. It’s like he went to bed that night and someone came in a replaced him with some dickhead who runs off to wherever the fuck he went and I just want my  best friend back you know?”

The examiner was nodding along with him and Newt had to stop to catch his breath because his face was flushed and his heart was racing. He really didn’t mean to reveal so much but at least hadn’t said how deep his feelings for Hermann truly went. He just needed someone else to understand the utter confusion he felt at the way Hermann had been acting and how weird it had gotten between them. He needed to know he wasn’t going crazy.

“Newt I can see that this is affecting you quite strongly. Would you like to take a minute?” Newt shook his head and the examiner took the ledger from his lap flipping it open to the last page. “Okay well it seems to me from my discussions with you and Doctor Gottlieb that your personal relationship has been greatly affected by the events of VK day and by the ongoing issues with your department. You have both suffered from intensely emotional reactions to what happened to you and it has affected both your personal and professional relationship.”

“No no dude. I am totally able to work with the guy and I want you to put that in your report alright? It doesn’t matter what our deal is you need to make sure that they know we can work together.” He gave the examiner a stern glare and he received a raised eyebrow in reply.

“You feel that you would be able to work with doctor Gottlieb for a continuous period and that your personal differences would have no bearing on your conduct?”

Newt nodded. “Yes! Look, just because me and Hermann have some weird history and he kind of hates me now doesn’t mean that our department should suffer.”

The examiner nodded and wrote something down on the notepad to his left. “Well regardless of your professional relationship it seems to me from speaking to you both that the main issue here is a lack of communication not a lack of any affection or concern between you. Does that sound about right?”

Newt narrowed his eyes. “Hermann is suffering emotionally?”

The examiner sighed. “I am not allowed to discuss a patient’s mental state with you.”

Newt swallowed hard and pulled his shoulder s in around himself. “But you don’t think he hates me?”

The examiner smiled slightly. “No Newt. Doctor Gottlieb does not hate you. He is very stressed at the moment and that may be affecting his behaviour. He has a lot on his late on the moment as do you and that is all I am comfortable saying. Thank you for your time Newt.”

He got to his feet and Newt jumped up to get out of the room as quick as possible. “My report will be delivered to Director Hansen as soon as possible. Please consider joining the support group and I am always here is you would like to take up my services or even if you would just like to talk. I really feel that a proper therapy session might help rather than just this assessment.”

Newt basically ignored the examiners words in favour of grabbing his jacket from where it sat folded on the bench outside. He looked at the clock, was late for lunch. His stomach grumbled and Newt turned on his heel all but running for the lift.

He ate his beef stew with all the enthusiasm of a man forced to swallow his own foot. He had been so wrapped up in his pathetic unrequited crush on Hermann and on his stupid nightmares and the storm in the back of his mind and the fate of the department that he hadn’t stopped to think about Hermann’s own suffering.

Hermann was a kaiju survivor too, he had been in San Francisco when that first Kaiju hit. He cared for the department as if it were his own child and he was always so wrapped up in his numbers Newt knew deep down that if he lost that it would destroy him. Not to mention the drift must have had an effect on him. Newt dropped his spoon.

Of _course_ , the **drift**.

He and Hermann had drifted with a kaiju sure but they had also drifted with each other. Newt had read reams and reams of studies about the after effects of the drift and he knew that his nightmares were in part due to the short time frame between his drifts with the kaiju; but the massive fluctuation in his emotions? The lingering pain in his legs he sometimes got in the morning and the strange dreams of places he had never been, the ghosts of sounds he heard at night?

He was not losing his mind. His mind was still connected to Hermann’s!

Newt threw his bowl away from himself and jumped up. He had to get to the lab and run some tests. He had to have some data to show Hermann because this was the reason Hermann had run away from him. Newt was halfway to the lab before his mind reached the point that made him feel like his stomach had dropped out.

If Hermann was suffering from after effects then maybe he had seen into Newts memories too. Maybe instead of an innocuous memory about checking emails and playing the piano he had seen any of the fantasies Newt had stored in his mind about Hermann or something even worse. Maybe he had seen Newt that day that they had planned to meet.

Newt stopped running and leant against the wall. Maybe that was why he ran away. He had seen for himself the strength and depth of Newts feelings for him and he had been disgusted by it. Newt ran a hand over his face and began to walk at a much slower pace towards the lab. He had tried to send his thoughts and feelings over to Hermann all those desperate nights of loss and pain. Had Hermann known all along what Newt was feeling? Was that why he had been so mad about when he finally found Newt? Had he gotten so tired of being bombarded by these things that he came to get Newt just to make him stop?

Newt felt sick and retched emptily. He reached the cool lab and shivered. He slipped his leather coat on and pulled it tight around his thin shirt. Thankfully Hermann was not there. His computer beeped flashing a sign to say his test had been completed. Newt felt for the pen in his pocket and pulled it out.

He stared at the innocuous item with despair. He had to fix it. He had to fix their relationship because he knew that his personality was overbearing in everything he ever did. But Hermann didn’t deserve to be smothered by a love he didn’t return. No, Newt had to explain the stupid fucking pen.  So he waited, he ran his tests and found his higher levels of brainwaves and he typed it up neatly and waited and waited and waited until his finally fell asleep curled up in a pile of packing tape and bubble wrap.

_This dream was not like the others. It started with him in the lab and he was safe. Newt was stood in amongst his boxes and he tried to wriggle out but each time he came to what looked like the exit he would blink and he was back in the middle of the cardboard maze. Newt knew he was dreaming and so he sat on the floor and closed his eyes listening to the thrum of his heart and of the distant sounds of piano music and then the quick metallic tapping of a cane on cast iron._

Newt opened his eyes to find himself drooling on his own arms. Hermann was quietly writing on his board in the corner. There was no way he hadn’t seen Newt lying in a sweaty heap and Newt blushed. He wriggled and pulled himself up from the floor but Hermann wasn’t looking at him. He looked over to Hermann’s desk where he had placed his written report and it was gone.

Hermann sighed and put his chalk down turning on his heel to stare intensely at Newt. “Your report lacks sufficient data to be considered correct.” Newt pulled at the sleeves of his jacket but didn’t speak. “I have conducted a similar exam and have found an even greater rate of emissions. “

Newt nodded because he didn’t know what to say. Hermann was talking in this strange robotic voice and Newt glanced over to where he had dropped the pen to the floor. Hermann’s eyes followed his. “I was wondering when you would realise that our minds are still connected. I believe the power of the kaiju shared hive mind may have affected our meld forming a continuous bond between us. I have described this is a equation he-“

 Newt licked his lips because he couldn’t stop thinking about how to tell Hermann the truth and he wasn’t paying attention. He knew that Hermann was doing what he always did. He was clinging to his graphical mathematics to avoid confronting the things he must have seen in Newts mind. They were so fucked up and Newt he could at least fix the confusion with that fucking pen and that he could make him see that Newt never meant to hurt him.

“Newton!” Newts eyes pinged back to Hermann who was pink in the face his hand spasming on the head of his cane. Newt opened his mouth to speak but Hermann was well ahead of him. He strode across the room and awkwardly bent down to pick the pen up. “Will you concentrate on something other than _this_ for five minutes? It may not be important to you but I would like to know that my mind has not been compromised by **your** actions.”

Newt felt the anger bubbling up inside of him again. All the confusion and pain and loss he felt swirled inside him and Newt exploded. He stormed across the room and grabbed the hand that held the pen tightly trapping Hermann’s fingers under his. Hermann didn’t pull away but his pupils dilated as Newt yanked his arm dragging their faces closer together.

“You want me to stop focussing on this?” His voice was screeching and too loud and Newt wanted to be embarrassed but he was so filled with emotion all he could do was watch Hermann’s lips twitching and his eyes flickering back and forth with confusion and surprise. Newt pulled the pen from between his fingers letting go of Hermann’s hands. The mathematician didn’t move away and Newt held the pen up to his face.  

“I wrote to you for four years before you sent me this pen. I never mentioned my work because it didn’t seem as important as everything you were working on and I was so amazed by the kaiju and the jaegers and how excited I was to maybe get the chance to work with them. And you told me all about San Francisco and about your models and I was amazed because I really felt like I had met someone on my level.

I _lived_ for your letters and then we agreed to meet up and I came all the way to New York to meet you finally and I chickened out okay. I knew how important it was for you to me and me and I was sat on that plane thinking about everything I had told you and I thought about everything I had read about you and I was so excited but so **so** scared and then I got there and I was waiting in that little hallway outside your office and you came out of the door and I looked at you and you didn’t even notice me. You walked right past me.”

Hermann opened and closed his mouth but didn’t say anything. “I mean I could have said something but you were with that other guy and he was teasing you about meeting your girlfriend and you said you were a married man and that it was purely intellectual but I saw the look on your face and ...and”

“You realised I had thought you were a woman the whole time?”

“Yeah. I mean it all made sense because you had told me all about your separation from Vanessa and I told you how lonely I was back then and I guess it didn’t even occur to me that-“

“That you had always signed your letters with the letter N or that our letters were what I had thought was a possible-.” He didn’t finish his sentence. Newt felt a twinge of pain deep in his chest because he had never meant for them to have this pseudo-romantic relationship and by the time he realised that it was happening it was too late and his stupid crush on Hermann had twisted what had been a scientific fucking fan letter into something that meant too much to Hermann and too much too Newt for him to give up.

“Yeah, Hermann...” Newt’s voice had dropped considerably and his tone was soft and gentle. Hermann still didn’t pull away but he wasn’t looking Newt in the eyes. “How could I tell you that I was just some irritating little dude when you had been so _honest_ with me, you had told me so many things and I never meant to hurt you. Hermann please, you have to understand that after that day when I saw you I flew straight home and wrote you my last letter as N. I told you all about my trip to New York but...but.” ”

 Hermann finally turned away. “But you never **sent** it. Newton surely you are more intelligent than that. I mean for god’s sake you have been in my head man. Surely you know that gender has nothing to do with it. I thought you had _died_ , I thought I had encouraged you to pursue your passion for the kaiju and that I had gotten you killed. I sent you my pen in the vain hope that you had simply become bored of our correspondence and that you would-“

“I would have something to remind me to follow my dreams like you did?”

Hermann’s shoulders were stiff as a board and Newt could see the furious red blush blooming on the back of his neck. His mind tripped over Hermann’s words. If gender had nothing to do with it what exactly was **it**? Newt knew N had been a close friend to Hermann and that he felt some sort of attraction to them but he had never imagined that Hermann’s feeling had run so deep. If Hermann was attracted to the N in the letters then surely he could have been attracted to Newt. In another time perhaps but not now, not after everything they had been through. Newt ran a hand over his face and tried to swallow the pain down but it stayed a burning wound in his chest.   

“When I saw you with that pen... It was silly of me to assume that what you had written had been sincere. I should have seen our correspondence for what it was. A student looking to understand more about his field from an already established professional.”

Newt reached out and grabbed Hermann’s arm but the mathematician yanked it away. “No, don’t say that. It wasn’t like that it wasn’t some twisted joke thing dude. I had just given you the wrong idea about who I was and I didn’t know how to fix it without losing you. Shit man I-“

“I am **not** your man.” He spun on his heel and glared furiously at Newt who tried to answer Hermann’s anger with his own but it had all but dissipated for his desperately gut wrenching desire for Hermann to understand because sure as hell didn’t want Hermann to think that the only meaningful connection he had managed to keep after his injuries at San Francisco had been all a big joke.

 “Look. I still have that last letter you know. It was what made me keep going until I could meet you again as an _equa_ l Hermann. Everything I have worked for with the Kaiju and the PPDC...it’s all because of you. You did that dude you made me who I am today.”

Hermann breathed in and out of his nose a few times. His eyes searched Newts deeply and Newt tried his best express the panic and guilt he felt through the bond. He clenched his hands and shifted on his feet and finally Hermann looked away his own hand twisting circles on the head of his cane. “Meet me again as an _equal_? Do you not remember the first time we met?”

“I remember that hideous fucking suit and that you told me my tattoo was revolting and an abomination.”

“It still is, the fact that you have chosen to continue covering your body with those things does not surprise me for a second.”

Newt finally relaxed his tensed muscles and Hermann was staring at Newts shoes. There was a quiet moment between the two men until Hermann sighed as if expelling every bit of frustration and anger he had ever felt. He looked back up to Newts face. His eyes scoured the planes and hills of Newts features for what felt like eternity. “I am...relieved that N is still alive at least. I am flattered that you would consider me as having played part in your development as a scientist although-“

“Although I bet you were hoping N would turn out to be a physicist or something and not a _biologist_.” He imitated Hermann’s angry accented snarl, the same way he always said biologists. Hermann’s lips twitched as if he was going to laugh and then he nodded robotically.

“Yes. You have turned out to be quite a disappointment in that respect.” Newt laughed and slipped the pen into his pocket his eyes lingering on Hermann’s still flushed cheeks and the affection he could see still deep in Hermann’s eyes. He felt as if he was walking on air because it really seemed like he had achieved something. Hermann was no longer mad at him for their respective miscommunications any more. There was still the issue of the things Hermann might have seen in his head and of his mysterious disappearance and the fight for their department but little victories as his mother had once said.

“Well, now that we have discussed our past I think that is enough talking about _feelings_ for now.” He said feelings in the same tone he used for biologists. Newt smiled and slapped him on the arm. Hermann gave him a death glare and he removed his hand. “I think our most pressing concern is our future. We need to discuss the hearing in Berlin.”

Newt grabbed his sleeves again to stop himself from grabbing Hermann instead. He had said ‘our’ future. He **was** thinking of their future together even after everything.  

 


	5. Drizzle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoo this another long one to make up for the wait. Thank you for all your kudos! Please R&R!

Newt stayed where he was just staring at Hermann’s still flushed neck and feeling the closeness of his body and the heat radiating from him.  There was a moment where nothing moved and no one said a word and they just shared a wary sort of eye contact. The storm in the back of Newts mind was silent and his heart pounded in his chest deep and rich like a kettle drum and suddenly the moment was broken by two heavy paws on the back of his calves.

Newt blinked in surprise and turned his head to see Herc Hansen stood off to the left by the staircase and by the time he looked back to Hermann the mathematician had torn his eyes away as well as his body. Newt sighed and bent down to scratch the old bulldog behind the ears.

“Hey buddy”

 It slobbered on his hand and Newt wiped it on his pants his smile tweaking as he heard a disgusted tut from behind him. Herc crossed his arms and Newt got to his feet.

“I need to speak to you in my office.”

Newt rubbed his hands on his pants nervously but began to walk away from the lab to where Herc stood. He heard the tapping of a cane behind him but Herc lifted his hand stopping Hermann dead. “Not you, just Newt.” He glanced over his shoulder and caught the slightly wounded expression on Hermann’s face for only a second before his mask of professional perfection was back.

Newt waved a hand. “I’ll see you later dude.” Hermann didn’t reply and when Newt reached the top of the iron staircase he glanced back down to see Hermann bent over slightly talking softly in German to the bulldog.

His mind was still on that particular image as he squeezed past Herc to sit down in his office. It felt oddly like being back in the principal’s office in school. He could still hear Mr. Foley’s nasal tone in his head sometimes. He never took a shining to Newt and he especially took a dislike to his complete lack of attention in biology class. Newt was still too young and too shy at the time to tell him it was because he already knew what they were trying to teach him. In fact that was probably what infuriated Mr. Foley the most; he always assumed Newt was cheating when he got full marks on every test despite sleeping through most classes.

Newt wriggled his hand under his thighs and waited as Herc sat himself down. There was a picture of him and his son in a simple black frame on the shelf behind him and Newt couldn’t stop staring at it. Everyone had lost so much.

“Newt, I have you medical, psychological and departmental reports here.” He held up three thin manila folders. “Do you want to know what each one agrees on about you?” Newt didn’t say anything and Hansen sighed rubbing a hand across his forehead. He dropped the files in front of Newt. The biologist resisted the urge to grab the one from Hermann and dig in. “They **all** say that you are suffering from PTSD and that I shouldn’t clear you for work in the field-“

He opened his mouth to argue but Herc just shook his head interrupting “Your physical states that you are underweight, sleep deprived, and malnourished! Your psych report says you have PTSD, night terrors and are likely suffering from drift syndrome!“

 

Newt spluttered and got to his feet. “Look I was surviving that way for months before you took my fuc-“

“Sit down!”

Newt instantly fell back into his seat. His heart was thundering in his chest. He _had_ to get clearance he had to get back to work because there was so much more to discover about the kaiju, and they had no way of knowing that there would never be another attack; plus the fact he had PTSD didn’t even have any bearing on the work he was doing. He had to get back to work because he had to save the department he and Hermann had created together. It was their _legacy_ and Hermann couldn’t do it alone. The brass would tell him no to stupid things and he would just accept that or end up going through months and months of retrying and retrying through official channels.

He **needed** Newt to be his wildcard.

 Newt tried to say all these things but he didn’t get a chance because Herc flipped open Hermann’s report and threw it at Newt. “ _However_ , the report from your department head says that despite your unsuitability for return to the field that basically I have no choice but to reinstate you unless I want to lose _him_ too. Newt’s mouth dropped open and his hazy eyes scanned the pages picking out random words

‘Irreplaceable’ ‘brilliant’ ‘obnoxious’ and then his closing statement-

‘Doctor Geiszler may have serious professional conduct issues but his service is invaluable to both the department, the PPDC and to **me**.’

Newt swallowed hard. He knew Hermann wouldn’t have been able to resist the opportunity to discuss at length everything he felt was wrong with Newt and his work but for him to still champion him and still want to work with him and to consider him _invaluable_? Newt’s hands were shaking as he closed the file, sliding it back onto Herc’s desk. Hermann was still so furious at him when he had written that. Even after everything they had gone through and were still going through Hermann had fought his corner. He didn’t know what to say or how he was supposed to react. His stomach felt as though it had dropped to the centre of the earth and his mouth was dry. When he finally pushed himself to speak his voice was thin and quiet.

“So...”

Herc raised an eyebrow and Newt stared down at his feet. “So, I am not about to lose one of my best scientists. Newt after everything this dome has been through I am not going to throw one of the people who helped save us all out on his arse am I?”

Newt actually felt himself welling up and he sucked in a big breath to try and hide the shuddering fear that had been clenching at his stomach. “I have reinstated your full clearance. At least now I can say I did all the paperwork first eh?”

 Newt laughed nervously and Herc slid a piece of paper over for him to sign. He then handed Newt his lanyard with his stupid first year at the academy picture and his credentials listed below his name beside a silver seal of the PPDC. He put it around his neck and grinned. He couldn’t believe this was happening. After all of Hermann’s worry after all of the anxiety Newt had forced deep down it was as simple as that. He was reinstated. He could help Hermann, he could save the department.

“Thank you man, I-“

“You need to get out of my office and get some sleep. You have a flight to Berlin at 0500 hours tomorrow morning. Don’t be late.”

Newt jumped up from his seat and nodded over and over again to himself, he was garbling something about planes and air pressure for some reason but Herc wasn’t listening. He was pushing Newt towards the door only when he wrenched it open it swung wide and fast to reveal Hermann doing his best impression of a piece of furniture. He was stiff and bright red in the face.

Newt laughed out loud. “Listening in, worried I might get my badge back?”

Hermann didn’t reply but his eyes trailed slowly down Newts face to his chest and back up again quickly. Newt beamed at him and he threw an arm around Hermann’s shoulder. “Well too bad Herms, you’re stuck with me!” he waved the badge in Hermann’s face as the man half limped half dragged himself beside him. Hermann was still bright red in the face as Newt pulled him towards their quarters.

They walked together in silence Newt naturally matching his gait to his partners. His fingers were tucked in the edge of Hermann’s collar just brushing over the edge of his sweater vest. Every few steps Hermann would let out a puff of air and each time Newt took a deep breath. He was waiting for the penny to drop. For Hermann to say this was all impossible, for him to be angry again, for his sudden change in circumstances from crying on his apartment floor that night to having Hermann back in his life and having the opportunity and much more the _will_ to save the department again to be nothing but a drink and drug fuelled dream.

But he never did and as they reached their room Newt began to slow down because he didn’t want the moment to stop, he wanted to hold onto Hermann like this forever. He had never been allowed such free and continued access to Hermann’s body before. Unfortunately as they reached their doors Hermann pulled away and headed for his own room. He opened the door and slipped inside leaving Newt alone standing with his hands clenched at his side.

His tentative happiness began to drain away until Hermann’s head popped back around the door and he, frowning slightly, gave Newt a once over. “I would suggest packing your things and getting some sleep before your flight...”

Newt nodded and turned towards his room stopping himself in his tracks as an idea hit him. “I uh...haven’t eaten yet...you want to go get dinner? It’s almost 5?”

Before VK day they had barely eaten sure, but when they did they almost always did it together. Hermann would often read books or scribble down notes and Newt would carry the trays eating indiscriminately from both until Hermann had picked enough at his own tray to satisfy what little hunger he seemed to feel. He _had_ eaten of course but he wanted to try and bring back as much normalcy as possible. He wanted to at least get Hermann to eat something because despite his overbearing obsession with Newts diet he had never been as meticulous about his own.

Newt’s eyes wandered down to Hermann’s waist where even his tiny slacks were struggling to stay up. He felt shame at the solace he felt in Hermann having not been eating too. The mathematician glanced backwards into his own room and Newt tilted his head. Daring to hope.

“Perhaps once I have packed...”

Newt beamed at his partner and bit his lip to try and bring down the force at it a little. He didn’t want to look as desperate as he felt. “Okay man, cool. Just come get me you know whenever.”

Hermann twitched his lips but didn’t say anything and Newt waited for him to close his door before he all but skipped into his own pile of crap. He looked around his tiny room and sighed.  Off to the side almost pressed beneath his bunk was the suitcase Hermann had packed for him. Newt glanced back at his door and grabbed it. He added a few more of his notes and a couple of his least worn shirts and threw the whole thing onto his bed. He slipped the pen into the interior pocket. He still felt the cloud of guilt from the agony he had caused Hermann by being so stupid and selfish and he thought about the last letter he had written all those years ago.

Newt slammed the suitcase shut and sat down next to it feeling the softness of familiar sheets. He closed his eyes and leant back against the cold metal walls relishing in the warm breeze that rushed through his room and down the hall. He could smell the familiar background aroma of the shatterdome, engine oil and dust topped with the distinct antiseptic tang of their lab. They lived in the hallway closest to the lab and on warm days Hermann would put powerful fans to try and keep the smell of Newts experiments enclosed so they did not make every other person in the shatterdome hate them. He would then delight in stamping around wearing a nose plug and giving Newt pointed glares.

His limbs felt heavy and his mind could not escape the desire to repeat the image of Hermann’s eyes dropping down his chest and the way his eyebrows rose a tiny bit and his mouth twitched as if he was going to smile when he saw him outside Herc’s office.

It was like he _couldn’t_ let himself be happy about Newt being there, but he must have been because why else would he have fought so hard to keep him? Newt sighed. Just when he thought he had Hermann figured out, just when he thought their relationship was back on the mend Hermann would throw him a curveball. He thought about asking him about it at lunch.

 Maybe just casually ask what the hell was wrong now.

“Doctor Geiszler?”

“Newt.”

A long suffering sigh and Newt wrenched his eyes open to see Hermann stood just inside his doorway in the one clear space of floor. He had changed into a soft red jumper that hugged to his thin frame and a pair of plains black slacks which bunched at his waist and ankle. His shirt was buttoned up tight against his throat and Newt watched his adams apple bob up and down a few times before dragging himself from the bed to stand slightly too close to Hermann.

“Shit, I’d settle for just Newton at this point.” His impersonation of the irritated way Hermann sometimes said his name didn’t faze the man and he received only a withering glare in response before the mathematician stepped back out into the corridor. He clenched his jaw trying to resist the urge to impersonate all the ways Hermann would say his name. He was the only person Newt let call him Newton because the way his voice rolled it around his tongue drawing the vowels out in all the right ways was music to Newts ears.

Not that he would ever tell anybody that.

“So what’s the reading for today?” He nodded at the book in Hermann’s hands and began to head towards the canteen. Hermann matched his pace and lifted the cover for Newt to see. “It is a series of essays of the importance of algae to the ecosystem of Brazilian water systems.”

Newt nodded. “You’re reading _biology_ papers?”

Hermann didn’t comment.

Their lunch felt alien but more like a homecoming than anything else Newt had experienced. He automatically took two trays and was given one serving with everything and one with no salad and no sauces without even having to ask. Hermann ignored him completely his eyes scanning the pages of his book and when Newt steered them towards their regular table Hermann automatically waited for him to sit down first before placing himself directly to his left his cane propped between them both. He leant his arm on the table and flipped a page and Newt took a forkful of beef _something_ from Hermann’s plate. The lunch room was mostly empty but of the few people he did see most either were blatantly trying to act like they weren’t watching the pairs every move or were past that point and were talking to their tablemates quite loudly about the two.

Hermann would occasionally reach out with his own fork making a small noise of appreciation every time he took a bite. Newt relaxed a little. He took this opportunity to take in Hermann’s features again. His face was soft but for a little furrow in his brow. Occasionally his lips would move as though he was sounding out a word he had never come across before. His eyelashes were long and they brushed against his glasses. His hair was fluffy and longer than usual, Hermann’s famous severe haircut was becoming unruly and Newts eyes followed a piece of fluff which found its way into the mathematician’s fringe. Hermann batted it was away with an irritated grunt before going back to his essays. His cheeks were slightly more gaunt than usual and his eyes bore dark bags but Newt couldn’t find a single thing he would consider a flaw in his partners face.

He tore his eyes away from the join between Hermann’s jaw line and his ear to see Hermann staring back at him with an unreadable steady gaze. He was closer than he had ever been and in the cold lights of the cafeteria he could finally see the pale pink faded line of the ring around Hermann’s eyes. Newts lips formed a ‘O’ as his mind caught up with the fact he had just been caught staring; at the same moment he discovered that perhaps Hermann’s scars would remain as permanent as Newts.

He blushed furiously and looked down at their lunches as if they were a living kaiju made miniature. Hermann let out a breath Newt didn’t realise he was holding and he reached out for his cane. “Newton, you are aware we still have much work to do to create a concrete record of the reasons why our department deserves funding aren’t you?”

Newt swallowed the lump of embarrassment in his throat but his voice still squeaked a little as he replied. “Yeah man. I thought we could do something on the plane...it’s a pretty long flight plus I mean we should have plenty of time in Berlin right? The hearing is not for like a week once we make our initial plea right?”

Hermann closed his book and slipped out from the bench. He stumbled a little and Newt went to reach out to steady him by instinct but Hermann knocked his hand away and grabbed his cane instead. “We should collect anything useful from our data in the laboratory before we retire. “

Newt blinked. He had said something wrong there but for the life of him he couldn’t think what it was. “Yeah man, okay...”

 Hermann nodded and began to walk away and Newt leapt up to grab their trays and follow Hermann. He caught up to him as they reached the stairs of the lab. Hermann stayed mostly quiet as they sorted through their notes. Hermann apparently already had a log book with all the notable things he had discovered written down neatly and so spent most of his time picking out his favourite papers he had written in between berating Newts attempts to rifle through his own work. Eventually Hermann directed him to a box near the back of the pile which apparently contained **all** of his most relevant papers.

“Dude, why didn’t you mention this before!?”

“You didn’t seem to appreciate it last time I gave my opinion on the relevancy of your work. I thought perhaps you had different ideas as to what is important amongst your....body of work.”

He was leant back in his stupid chair with his feet up on a pile of books a bag filled neatly with his things on the desk next to him. He was twisting a data stick between his fingers. He looked so casual Newt might have laughed if he wasn’t currently so mad he could have happily murdered everyone within a few feet of him. “That’s because you said nothing I did was relevant and that my ‘body of work’ was nothing but the ramblings of kaiju obsessed fanboy!”

Hermann grabbed his cane and banged it on the floor a couple of times his fingers twisting around the handle. He just blinked at Newt with a barely susceptible smirk on his face. Newt didn’t know in that moment if he wanted to murder or make out with Hermann more and so in his mind he was concocting a way to do both.

Hermann yawned and lifted his wrist to look at his watch. “It is time we should get some rest Newton. We are to be out on the deck at 0500 hours tomorrow morning. I do not think they will wait for us if we are late.”

Newt shrugged off his leather jacket and laid it over the nearest pile of boxes.  The venom and anger of his previous words were gone in an instant. “I’m not done yet dude, I have some notes on the kaiju’s bladder system that I really think would help-“

Hermann held up a hand silencing the biologist and got to his feet. He gave Newt a sleepy half hearted glare and Newt crossed his arms. “Do get some sleep Doctor Geiszler.” He promptly turned on his heel and walked off leaving Newt rooted to the spot on the indecision of whether to follow him and tell him everything so he could press him up against a wall and drag that smirk from his face; or to stay where he was and leave the tentative return to their friendship alone for now. Hermann’s computer trilled tearing him from his thoughts and he dove back into the boxes in an effort to distract himself.

Yes, he was still pathetically in love with Hermann and yes there was a time years ago that Hermann could have returned his feelings but not now. Not after everything that had happened. He was projecting his feelings onto Hermann as well as his thoughts. Any ‘moments’ he thought they were sharing were just bleeds of Newts desires into Hermann’s own mind because there was no way Hermann could reciprocate. Newt grabbed his files in a messy bundle and headed for his room.

Newt was pathetic.

When he got back to his room he started out trying to tidy the mess that covered his floor and shelves but ended up piling it all in different ways. It was certainly neater but no tidier than it had been when he started. Newt just didn’t have the aptitude to clean the damage he had caused so instead he grabbed his suitcase and his back pack and his notebag and headed out to wait on the flight deck.

It was only 0200 but Newt didn’t care.

He couldn’t bear to be in his room right then with the walls closing in around him. He was so confused. He didn’t know what conclusion to draw from Hermann’s behaviour and although he didn’t feel like throwing himself out into the pitch black ocean when he thought about him anymore, he was still finding it difficult to swallow the red hot wound in his chest of what could have been had Newt not made a silly mistake so long ago. Maybe he would have met Hermann back then in New York and Hermann would have fallen in love with him and they would have saved the world together.

Newt laughed and dropped his bags against the wall. He pulled his leather jacket back on because it was beginning t rain again and the wind charged across the flight deck with a vengeance. He was saved from most of the rain by the small lip that circled the walkways from each entrance to the interior of the dome and he put his suitcase down plopping his body down on top of it. He watched the droplets of water float and swirl in front of him before closing his eyes to the sound of the wind.

There was no lightening here, no thunder, nothing for Newt to fear and yet he felt like he was sat on a cliff edge with his feet dangling above a thousand foot drop. The wind pulled at his hair and invaded his cuffs and Newts crossed his arms opening eyes to watch water droplets drip slowly down a light pole nearby. He wasn’t sure how long he had stayed awake until he realised he was dreaming.

_He was back in his childhood home. He remembered his room and the ‘secret’ hiding hole in his closet. He was hiding there all of sudden and he knew his dad was going to be there any second and Newt was holding close to a Godzilla figurine with one arm broken off and angry eyebrows drawn on with purple felt tip pen. It was almost as big as he was and Newt looked down at his own tiny hands and his scraped knee in muddy shorts and he held back giggles. He can hear his dads footsteps in the hallway and then  in his room and Newt put a hand over his mouth and over Godzilla’s in case he gave them away. The footsteps move back and forth around Newts room and Newt lets out a snort and he heard a deep answering laugh before the footsteps approach the closet door. Newt lifted Godzilla up to defend him with a grin on his face and the door began to slide open._

He woke with a start to Herc Hansen’s deep voice calling his name and the weight of his dog on Newts lap. He patted the insistent dogs head and scratched his back his eyes slowly adjusting to the rising sun far back behind Herc’s stern face. “Newt, what the hell are you doing out here?”

Newt looked at his watch. It was 0456. He coughed and let the dog off of his lap before getting to his feet. “Uh, waiting for my flight?”

“In the rain? _Early_?”

Newt shrugged and looked over Herc’s shoulder to see one the helicopters taxiing down the runway. “I didn’t want to be late dude.”

Herc lifted his chin but didn’t respond. The door behind them burst open and Hermann al but fell out of it dressed in his stupid parka with his bags swinging wildly. He wobbled a little his eyes landing on Newt with a surprised grunt. Newt pushed his hand into his jeans pockets and looked away as Hermann collected himself.

“Ah, Doctor Gottlieb. Jenkins will meet you here for your flight to Hong Kong airport.”

Hermann nodded stiffly and Herc clapped one hand to Newts shoulder before whistling under his breath. His dog lowered its leg from where it had been about to pee on Hermann’s ancient leather briefcase and followed him around the edge of the central entrance. Hermann was glaring at Newt in a very un-friendly way and Newt shuffled awkwardly.

 “What are you _doing_ out here Doctor Geiszler.” He opened his mouth to correct Hermann on the use of his full title but Hermann was already limping over to him alternating between becoming more tangled in his bags than he already was with pointing furiously at Newts now slightly terrified face. “You...y-y- **you**!”

“I didn’t want to be late?” his voice was very quiet and his tone may have been slightly more joking than it should have been because Hermann stopped dead his finger two inches from Newts glasses his face white as a sheet.

“I thought you had disappeared again.”

Newt held up his hands and he tried his best to glare at Hermann. “Hey now, I am not the one who disappeared thank you very much. You’re the one who vanished over night. I left you a whole bunch of message!”

“I-“

“Uh Doctor Gottlieb? Doctor Geiszler?” they froze mid-fight and Newt turned to the pilot who was standing awkwardly a few feet away.

“It’s Newt.”

“Oh, okay. Newt and –“

“ _Doctor_ Gottlieb”

“Um doctor Gottlieb, we are ready to go...”

Newt nodded encouragingly and Hermann straightened up trying to act like he didn’t have a pile of bags tangled in his overstuffed parka. “Thank you. We will be over presently.”

 Jenkins just nodded and waved a hand walking away with a bemused look on his face. Newt began to untangle his partner while humming under his breath. Hermann stayed stiff as a pole until Newt freed him properly; taking all of their bags in his hands he hauled them forwards. He waited two beats for his partner to break out of whatever had made him practically turn into a statue before he was at Newts side trying to restart their argument. He hauled the bags onto the helicopter floor before waiting for Hermann to jump in ahead of him. He stayed close in case Hermann needed his help up but the mathematician just waved his hands away huffing to himself.

Newt launched himself into the seat next to him grabbing the safety rope with one hand whilst using the other to grab at his backpack which had begun to slide across the floor as they lifted off. The wind roared through the open doors and Newt turned away from Hermann’s still slightly pink face to look out at the furious sea.

Inky blue waves crashed and rolled against the bay and the rain formed warring whirls in the sky that streaked out in bands. His stomach churned at the dark clouds approaching quickly across the sea, feeling the intensity from the weather as the air became charged and brittle, a flash of Otachi in the back of his mind flickered behind his eyes. His heart began to pound a little as he caught sight of movement far out in the water and the wind began to howl in his ears dragging him backwards down a dark tunnel. He couldn’t breathe, his heart was going so fast now and he was glad for a moment that he was sat down because he could feel his knees shaking as all the strength in them just dissipated. Cold sweat trickled down his neck and Newt just couldn’t draw a breath until suddenly a thin gentle hand was taking the bag from his clenched fist and Hermann was bumping his knees against Newts wide spread thighs to reach over.

“Newton, did you pack your passport?”

Newt closed his now free hand on the bench below him holding tight as if to stop him from being hurled out into the storm. He didn’t reply and Hermann stared at him intently before hobbling to his feet and leaning his whole body across Newt to close the wide door his torso spread out in front of Newts eyes. Newt rested his head against Hermann’s side for a brief second feeling the solidity of him and the comfort he provided against the sudden shock of a wall between him and the storm. He tried to think about his passport but all he could think about was his own heart rate, and Hermann’s cold fingers pulling his palm open and the roar of the storm born anew outside. His mind tried to focus on how strange it was that Hermann allowed him that contact but he was too panicked and he couldn’t concentrate on it before the thought was whipped out into the bellowing storm.

Hermann sat back down and reached out pulling Newt face around so he would look at him. Newt tried to pull away but Hermann’s hand was cupping his jaw and his fingers held fast. “Newton, breathe deeply. In through your nose, out through your mouth.”

Newt took a deep breath just like Hermann said and after a moment as if satisfied Hermann released him with a nod. He then abruptly went back to rooting through Newts bags, presumably looking for his passport. Newt sat in silence for a few moments breathing deeply, slowly his heartbeat returned to normal and the stone on his chest eased away and he could think again.

“It’s in the left pocket...the _left_ one.”

Hermann pulled Newts passport and documents from where he had stuffed them in the back of his suitcase and carefully unfolded them smoothing the paper and unfolding the pages. He then slid them into his briefcase and sat back. It was then Newt noticed Hermann’s own heavy breathing and the faint shaking in his hands.

Had _he_ seen the images of Otachi? Or was he feeling Newts own panic?

Newt swallowed hard. There was so much left to discover about their connection and yet he didn’t even know if he wanted to understand it fully. Proving there was a bond between their minds still? Yeah he could do that, he did that already. It was what came after, the subjective bits. What did it mean? How far did it go? Newt clenched his hand on his knees and pushed his bags around with his feet until Hermann spoke.

“Newton, there is-“

A crack of lightening and then a deafening boom cut the doctor off and Newt couldn’t hold in his answering scream.

 


	6. Force

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt survives a flight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, thanks for all the kudos and reviews guys! This one kind of got away from me and I know it doesn't seem like much happens but I thought it best to end it there. hope you enjoy it!

Newt can’t stop screaming and it is the last thing he ever wanted Hermann to see but he is so out of his mind he can’t seem to find enough energy to care. No, everything in him was pushing him to scramble to the floor hands reaching out in search of something solid to grip on too because he was in a tiny buzzing can in the midst of a lightning storm. The floor jerked and bounced as the pilot fought to keep control and Newt can hear the furious pounding of his own heart and the frantic noises of the pilot flipping buttons. He was distantly aware of Hermann stepping over him calm and methodical and he bit down on the urge to grab his ankle because it’s almost as though Hermann was the only grounded thing in the world and he reaches out too late grabbing the back of the seats in front instead. His eyes are crunched shut and he can’t breathe because he is mumbling so quickly under his breath that his voice is carrying his fear out in freefall.

The floor jolted wildly to the left and Newt can hear Hermann talking in a brisk authoritative manner and suddenly there are two lots of fingers on switches and Newt peeled his eyelids open to see Hermann grabbing the co-pilot controls in both hands his eyes scanning the various dial and displays. The pilot is talking into his radio and Hermann is straining to keep his console still. Lightening booms outside shaking the craft and reverberating in Newts bones and all he can do is whimper and hold tighter. Hermann says something about the head of the storm and the pilot pulls back on his controls launching the back of the helicopter up. Their bags slide across the floor slamming into Newts legs and he lets go of the chair to hold his hands up in front of his face.

His heart is in his throat now and he can feel that tunnel forming around him again but this time Hermann wasn’t right there to comfort him and all he could do was put his hands over his eyes and sob pathetically. As their inevitable deaths played out in the theatre of his mind Newt was frozen in horror. It was not until he felt cool slim hands on his wrists again that he was finally broken free and he stared up at Hermann’s carefully blank face with tears streaming down his cheeks unable to breathe, chocking down sobs as he tried to speak.

Hermann shook his head and let go of his wrists.

“Newton, I need you to get up now.”

Newt was rooted to the spot until Hermann reached out a hand. He took it. His legs were shaking and he struggled to stay on his feet but after a moment the door swung open and the pilot was there his own cheeks ashen his eyes stern.

“Is he okay?” He was talking to Hermann and the mathematician simply waved the man away with his hand not letting go of Newts hand. The pilot looked between them and nodded backing away.

Newt listened to him begin firing off rapid stats to someone on the radio and Hermann let go of his hand to pull at Newts sleeve. “Come on. We must catch that flight.”

Newt cowered as lightening boomed again but now it sounded much further away and Hermann gave him an expression which could have been construed as disappointment by anybody else but Newt knew that what he was really seeing what Hermann’s concern and he felt ashamed. He was still finding it hard to concentrate on anything but the distant sounds of the storm and of the roar of rain on tarmac. Hermann left him alone slowly lowering himself from the side of the helicopter and disappearing around the side.

For a few minutes Newt just stood in the shadow watching the rain periodically blow into the helicopter. He could smell the salt and dust in the rain and he knew the lightening storm was heading his way. He pushed a hand up under his shirt to feel his own heart beat and he tried to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth just like Hermann had told him too but his limbs still felt weak and his skin soft and exposed to the flaying force of the wind.

Suddenly Hermann popped back around the door way and stared up at Newt for a moment. He then slipped the parka from his own shoulders and handed it over to the biologist, Newt took it slowly confused until Hermann reached past his battered sneakers to grab his bags. He yanked them from the floor and out onto the tarmac reaching in again to grab Newts bags.

“Newton. We have to go now; did you not once tell me that fortune favours the brave? Put the coat on and follow me.” He was still talking in that sure even tone and Newt winced at his own words repeated back at him. He wanted to scream that those were the words of a different man, of a man who still hadn’t realised the true face of fear.

But instead Newt did exactly as he was asked sliding the parka over his leather jacket and pulling it around himself. It smelt strongly of Hermann’s aftershave and soap and the wind blew the hood up over his face. The lining was soft and silken and Newts fingers gripped tight to the inside. It was just as big on him as it was on his partner but it was thick and warm enough that as they jogged across the airfield that the rain and wind seemed far away and Newt imagined the coat was a shield to protect him from the storm and the kaiju. He forced himself to concentrate again watching the rain soak into Hermann’s red sweater turning it a dark blood red and he felt like he had fallen from the cliff face and was in freefall with Hermann’s parka acting only as a parachute to slow his descent.

Inside the airport they were rushed through gates and down hallways, the airport staff swiping their cards and Hermann’s was talking and talking in a hurried voice. He was limping quite heavily now and Newt reached out to take the bags from his hands. Hermann yanked his hands up and away from Newt and glanced over to him for a second before speeding up a little. Someone took their luggage away from him and Hermann kept hold of Newts battered backpack and his own ancient leather briefcase and as Newt stood waiting at the gate he handed them both over. His cheeks were red and he was steaming slightly in the well heated airport corridor.

“Newton. I need you to keep calm. We are about to board a public flight. You are safe.”

Newt just nodded because although he felt somewhat blank and shaded from his previous panic he knew that once he was back in that tight confined area he would not be so calm. He had no idea how much time had passed. It felt like only minutes ago he had been sat waiting on his bags on the flight deck of the shatterdome. Hermann nodded back at him and banged his cane on the floor before reaching out to shake the hand of someone who had walked up behind Newt. Hermann was thanking the man and they were led up to the gate past confused looking air hostesses and straight into first class.

Newt followed blindly sweating under both coats.

The other passengers turned in their seats and Newt realised they had been holding up the flight. He blushed red and waited for Hermann to stop by their seats before rushing to catch up. Hermann was busy placing himself down next to the window sighing heavily and sliding the window cover down. Newt slipped into the seat next to him and took his glasses off to wipe the steam away. The lights came on for them to buckle in and Newts fingers slipped over the clasp. Hermann was busy shuffling his feet around to try and find a comfortable spot to place his leg in and Newt shrunk back into the oversized hood as his cheeks flushed red. His fingers were numb and clumsy and he could hear the tinny little tone above his head indicating he hadn’t secured his belt and it was the only one. He forced himself not to look around and breathed heavily through his nose until finally the lock clicked into place and the tone binged one last time.

His shirt was clinging to him underneath the bulk of his clothes and he could feel the heat of the air between his layers but he couldn’t find enough strength in him to remove the parka. Instead his weary eyes scoured the cabins walls. They were sat at the back next to the wide cubicle for the toilet and the curtain separating them from 2nd class was heavy blue cotton that bustled as the air flow brushed across it. The plane began to pull up and Newt clung to the arm rests feeling his stomach bouncing and churning. He tried closing his eyes to swallow the bitterness in his throat because he knew the storm was still out there and he couldn’t help picturing the plane alone in the terrible storm, his thoughts turning to Flight FV8675 a passenger jet torn apart during the kaiju attack on Normandy.  

After around two minutes they began to level out and Newt kept his eyes closed listening to the other passengers moving around and the click click click of the air hostesses heels on the aisle. She leant over him to speak to Hermann and Newt guessed she thought he was already asleep. He didn’t move as he perfume wafted over him and Hermann’s voice was low as he reached over putting what could only be construed as a protective hand around Newts wrist. His cool fingers encircled Newt and he could feel him deftly touching for a heart beat as he asked for two waters, mumbling something about Newt being a ‘bad flyer’ and that he would alright in a minute. The hostess made sympathetic noises and thankfully walked away as Hermann leaned in to peer under the hood his eyes wide and worried. Newt blinked back at him and Hermann’s eyebrow twitched only a tiny bit before his professional mask made its fated return.

He stood up to grab his leather briefcase and Newt lifted his feet up to cover his chest pulling them tight to his body. Hermann sat down heavily and he could hear him rifling through the pockets. Newt peeked out watching Hermann roll up his sleeves exposing lean white forearms and delicate wrists and he was pulling a sheet of pills from his bag. He glanced over guiltily and Newt looked away from the gaze.

“Do you need me to move? You can stretch out your leg under here dude.”

He gestured to his own foot well keeping his feet up on the edge of his seat. Hermann opened his mouth to reply but was interrupted by the air hostess causing Newt to slink backwards into the hood to cover his tear stains cheeks and red rimmed eyes. After a few minutes of small talk about the weather in Berlin and about the air hostesses own experiences with her fear of flying she left them alone again. Hermann pushed Newts table down in front of him and placed a glass of water on it without a word. He then pulled out a small ream of papers from his briefcase and began reading. Newt put the hood down and shuffled uncomfortably in his seat. He was still so warm and his mouth was very dry. He looked at the glass of water with perfectly cubed ice floating in it and sighed. Hermann was watching him through the side of his reading glasses and Newt reached out taking the drink in his warm palms. The condensation on the back of the glass trickled in rivulets down his hands and onto his wrist.  He took a tiny sip savouring the feeling of ice cold spiking its way down his throat and he leant back. Hermann made a disapproving noise in the back of his throat and Newt licked his lips taking a longer gulp and then when Hermann lowered his book he finished the glass.

 Hermann peered at him over his reading glasses the circular frames sliding down his nose a little. Newt thought about Hermann cleaning his glasses when they arrived at the shatter dome and resisted the urge to push them back up. No, that was a little too intimate even for the weird state of relationship they were in right now. Hermann then lifted the other glass of water off of his table and placed it next to the one in front of Newt. Newt didn’t hesitate and reached out to drink that one too; taking a little longer this time. After he finished both the dry crackling in the back of his mind had smoothed to a low hum and he felt better.

 For a few minutes at least.

His eyes began to droop as he suddenly began to feel weary. Hermann had gone back to pretending to read his papers and Newt began to panic because he was beginning to feel VERY tired and he looked at the two empty glasses on the table in front of him and he sluggishly tried to turn his head to look at Hermann but it was like pulling himself through quicksand and he ended up with his eyes closed trying and failing to ask what Hermann has put in his drink. His last notion before he fell into the pitch black of sleep was those smooth cold fingers around his wrist once more and he was gone.

_Newt was running, he knew he was late and that if he missed this meeting that would be the end of everything but his lungs are burning and his legs are wooden and pulled taut until all he can do his force them to move; letting out a low guttural groan at the flood of pain as he is forced to slow down to avoid cars while crossing the street. His feet slap against the pavement and his bag is digging into his neck as he swings around a corner. He knows that the building is not far away and that he has two minutes before the rest of his life is ruined and he is trying to pick up the pace but now he can see it the building is getting further and further away and he reaches out a futile hand to grab out for it but his fingers close on nothing and he trips._

_He trips but he doesn’t fall instead he blinks and he is floating, floating in a blue cold liquid. He can feel tubes and pipes connected to his neck and feeding into the veins on his arms and he panics trying to yank them out. He flails in the water panicking at first trying to hold his breath and free himself but his movements are slow and weak and eventually he gives up. He then realises that as he can no longer hold his breath that he didn’t in fact need to breathe and a eerie sort of calm envelopes him and he gazes out of his tank. He can see other tanks nearby and vague square shapes surrounding him and Newt blinks in surprise because he suddenly realises where he is. He kicks his feet to try and reach the glass to see more clearly but as he pushed forward the bottom of his tank opens and he is sucked out separating him from his tubes and pipes until he is in freefall and he knows this is a dream so this time he doesn’t struggle._

_He thunders downwards and closes his eyes against the harsh whistling wind the sensation of weightlessness abruptly ending as he drops into a seat. A hostess is leaning over him and Newt opens his eyes blinking in surprise at his lack of glasses and yet he can see clearly. The hostess is a young man not much older than Newt in fact his hair a similar style of fluffy brown sticking up in all directions and Newt can’t look at him. He feels himself shy away folding pale hands on the head of his cane, avoiding eye contact. “A whiskey please.”_

_“Ah, would you like-”_

_“Your choice.”_

_The hostess nodded in his peripherals and Newt sighs glancing over to his battered briefcase at his feet bulging strangely. He glances around guiltily before reaching for it. Inside he pulls out the leather jacket and he gets shakily to his feet. Newt knows he is not in control of this body, he is simply a passenger and so he watched Hermann’s long fingers shakily grab at the head of his cane and feels the spike of pain through the leg and wants to scream. He had never realised how much pain his partner must have to face every day and he resolves to double his efforts to make everything easier on him as ‘they’ make their way to the toilet; fingers scratching against the plastic handle as he locks himself in._

_They turn to look in the mirror and Newt wants to cry because Hermann’s eyes are wild and as red rimmed as Newts had been after he melded with the kaiju brain and his face is even more pale than usual. His lip quivers and he bites down on it leaning forwards to rest against the sink. He pushed his forehead against the glass and stares into his own eyes breathing heavily the leather jack looped over one arm. He sighs and lifts it up in the air glancing back to the door one again before lifting the jacket up to his face and burying his tearing up eyes into the soft lining. Newt could feel the waves of guilt and pain flooding through him, filling him up with grief and he can feel Hermann shaking with it. He wishes now more than anything that instead of feeling how Hermann feels he wishes he could see what he was thinking about. Why he was on this plane at all. Newt can smell his own aftershave mixed with the smell of rain and antiseptic and he felt Hermann’s shuddering chest and suddenly he was ripped away from his dreams_

He awoke blinking in the dim lights of the cabin, other passengers sleeping or watching movies around him. Hermann was nowhere to be seen and Newt swallowed hard. He wasn’t sure if what he had just seen was an actual memory of Hermann’s flight out after VK day or if he had simply created those images in his own mind. His fingertips buzzed and his skin felt too tight on his heavy limbs. His mind however was racing and he pulled himself up catching the eye of the air hostess from before.

She glanced from him to the empty seat next to him and then back giving him a sad smile before nodding towards the bathroom. Newt lifted his head to acknowledge that he understood and she turned away. Newt stared at the bathroom. He wanted to talk to Hermann about his dreams. He wanted to do it immediately. He groaned a little as he dragged his weary limbs from his chair feeling his cooled sweat and getting a uncomfortable waft of his own smell as he moved. He paused wondering if he should do something about it before the part of his mind in charge of finding out what the hell was going on with their connection took over and forced him across the cabin to hover unhelpfully outside the bathroom door.

It was thin and made of plastic and if he concentrated he could hear Hermann murmuring on the other side. At first Newt thought he was mistaken because he could hear another voice until Hermann answered that voice and he realised that Hermann was actually on the phone talking to someone.

“Dude, if I hadn’t slept for over 24 hours then I definitely would be dropping off every now and then. You need to just let it happen!”

“No. What I need is coffee containing caffeine not that hideous pond water the stewardess brought me.”

“Dude, I bet she could tell how tired you are and just wanted to help.”

“Well she didn’t help, in fact I would go so far as to say her actions were extremely detrimental.”

“Shit Hermann, maybe you should be the one getting dosed with sleeping pills.”

Newt swallowed the lump that rose in his throat. It wasn’t that he hadn’t realised that that was exactly what had just happened to him but it was that he had hoped he was wrong because Hermann had never gone that far before. This belied not only how poor a condition Newt must be in for Hermann to feel that secretly dosing was a acceptable move for his safety,  but for Hermann to also be in a place where he would not only consider it but _act_ on it as well.  Hermann spluttered behind the door and there was silence for a few seconds before he spoke again.

“I only gave Newton that dosage because he has suffered from recent panic attacks which I believe has been exasperated by his lack of sleep.”

Newt finally recognised the other voice as he began talking over Hermann’s muttered excuses. It was Tendo. “That doesn’t mean you-“

 Hermann raised his voice and Newt winced at the shard of anger hidden amongst the plains and hills of his accent. “He would not take care of himself and so I was forced to!”

There was a long silence and Newt clung to the insides of the parkas cuffs. Tendo’s reply was made in a calm even tone as if he was hiding his own anger. “Newt can look after himself, plus even if he can’t it is not your responsibility-“

“Yes it is! Newton is MY colleague, he is MY partner and most importantly he is MY friend. Not only does his own health rest on his state of mind but might I remind you so does the state of our department.”

“Oh right, so it’s just the department that you are so worried about.”

“I do not know what that was supposed to mean, besides the fact of the matter at hand here is not either of our sleeping patterns. It is the possible side effects of our shared consciousness.”

“Yeah yeah, you just don’t want to admit that you’re worried about the little guy. I mean I have seen him dude. He doesn’t look good.”

Newt blushed and glanced around the cabin happy to see that he was being ignored by the other passengers and the staff. He pulled the parka tighter around himself and pretending to knock so they wouldn’t think he was weird for hovering outside a bathroom. God, they could think he was up to something really creepy like listening to Hermann masturbate or something. Newt immediately clamped down on that thought as Hermann began to raise his voice again.

“My uncle with be able to help us, I am sure of it.”

“Dude, just because he helped build the neural bridge and he is a neuroscientist doesn’t mean he can help you guys anymore than just talking to each other would.”

“Yes, yes it **does**!”

“No it doesn’t. Okay what if he finds out that whatever you did is permanent huh? What are you gonna do then?”

“He may find out that it is reversible.”

“Yeah but what if it isn’t?”

“I it is reversible then all I have to do is keep my control for a few days more and then we are free of this.”

“You’re not even listening to me man. Newt is gonna figure this out you know. You can’t hide it forever.”

“Newton is already aware that our minds are still connected.”

Newt heard Tendo make a long low whistle and Hermann answer with a sigh. “So he knows you are connected, _good_. Does he know that you can control it? Or that you have been using it to look in his mind for weeks now?”

“No. I do not think he is aware it is possible to control it. Also I would have you know that I have not been actively looking into his memories for weeks, it happened _once_ and then when I realised what I had been doing I have since ceased any activity.”

“Except you have no way of proving that.”

“Tendo, I must ask that you cease your incessant attempts to anger me, if you do not wish to be helpful then I can simply talk to you again when we get back. I do not wish to lose control again.”

“Oooh so that’s why you won’t sleep. Let me guess, you can’t control it when you sleep.”

“It is considerably more difficult to control yes. Do you not see, this is why I must stay awake! If I stay asleep for a prolonged period of time and especially at the same time as Newton I would be at risk of losing all control and god knows the ramifications of that.”

“Dude, just what is you are so scared he is going to see?”

“It is not what he would see in my mind Tendo. It is what I might see in his.”

Newt backed away from the door and shuffled back over to his seat. He stared at the empty eyes of the woman advertising air miles in the screen in front of him and felt tears welling up behind his eyelids.

So it was true. Hermann **was** afraid to find out that Newt was in love with him after all.

That was why he wasn’t sleeping, that was why Hermann looked so terrible. It was all Newts fault. He kicked out defiantly and grabbed his backpack from where Hermann had apparently left it on the floor by his feet. He dug around for a while until he found his ancient music player plugging his massive headphones in and pulling them over his head to blast his sad playlist at full volume trying to drown out his own pathetic snivelling.


	7. Downpour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann and Newt make it to Berlin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, okay this is another long one. Hope you like it!

When Hermann came back he seemed to think Newt was asleep and he paused on his way to his seat. Newt kept his eyes closed and tried not to wince as Hermann’s fingers came up to feel his neck. He supposed Hermann was feeling for a pulse to make sure he hadn’t accidentally murdered the biologist. His hands were always so cold, smooth but soft. Newt had always run hot; his own hands leaving burning trails across everything he touched, his palms were rough and calloused from years of field research and from playing guitar. His mind wandered absently as Hermann’s fingers came up to cup his face for a moment before slowly drifting away. It was strange to him that they would both be such opposites in this way.

He would’ve laughed if he wasn’t trying so desperately hard not to cry.

He bit down on his tongue as Hermann moved away heavily placing himself in the seat next to Newt. He let out a long puff of air and Newt could feel ghosts of the extreme pain he had felt in his dreams across his leg and he winced. An air hostess made his way over and Newt could smell his aftershave from where he was slumped in his chair. Hermann asked for an espresso and asked when they would be arriving in Berlin. Newt’s music had come to the end of its playlist and so he could hear the muffled response. He could feel Hermann shifting around him a little and after a few seconds Hermann reached over and tapped him lightly on the arm.

“Newton?”

He pretended to blink awake and took in Hermann’s pale face, his eyes were tight at the corners and Newt could see the strain of his lack of sleep in the taught lines of his lips and the slackness of his gaze.

“We will be arriving in Berlin in under an hour. Are you feeling alright?”

He wanted to argue; to shout and be angry at Hermann for breaking his trust in that way but he couldn’t find the strength or the energy and instead he just nodded silently; folding in on himself. Hermann seemed to be searching for something in his face and there was a awkward pause before he slipped back into his own seat. Newt watched him carefully as he pulled his papers back out of his bag and began reading. Newt slipped his headphones down to his neck and licked his lips trying to find the words.

“Where are we staying?”

His voice was too soft and too quiet and it crackled roughly. His throat hurt from screaming and he coughed a little. Hermann glanced over to him and then past him as the air hostess returned. “A water as well please.” The hostess looked down at Newt and Newt tried to make some sort of confirmatory movement with his lips. To his surprise it worked and the hostess was gone and back in an instant with a tall glass of water. He placed it directly in front of him and Newt thanked him softly. He lifted the glass and his eyes immediately flickering to Hermann maintaining eye contact as he drank. Hermann blushed lightly but didn’t speak choosing instead to take delicate sips of his espresso. He tried an experimental cough and found his throat a little less hoarse.

“What is the plan?”

His voice was still too soft and quiet and unlike his normal voice but this time Hermann seemed to understand his eyes darting around the cabin to land anywhere but on Newt. “We are to take the U-Bahn to a hotel near to the headquarters.”

“And then what?”

“And then I have organised a meeting.”

“With who?”

Hermann just stared at him and after a few minutes Newt gave up asking. It was obvious that whatever Hermann had planned he knew that Newt was not going to like it. They sat in silence for the rest of the flight.  Hermann careful to keep close as they were descending hand hovering over Newts wrist as he squeezed his eyes shut to concentrate on his breathing. Newt followed him numbly as they exited the plane carrying both sets of bags. He had made sure to take them simply because of Hermann’s pained intake of breath as he stood in his seat. The arrivals lounge was huge and airy and Newt was thankful for the parka again. He thought about giving it back to the mathematician but he didn’t seem at all affected by the chill from the swinging doors up ahead.

He moved slowly but solidly ever onwards.

Newt watched his expression change from careful studied blankness to surprise confusion and then back all in the space of a few seconds and he whipped his head around as a tall serious looking man with a severe hair do, a large black beard and appropriately neat clothing approached them. He was wearing a heavy grey woollen coat that looked more expensive than everything Newt owned all together and a black scarf tucked in at his collar. His movements were sure and steady and as he got closer Newt could see his eyes were a steely grey.

 His gaze slipped back to Hermann and his stomach lurched because it was obvious that this man was familiar to him, he began to panic a little bit because the man was so stern looking that he couldn’t have possibly been a friend. Newt opened his mouth to ask who he was but Hermann never heard the question because he was suddenly engulfed in the man’s arms a extraordinary deep booming laugh almost filling the cavernous arrivals lounge. Newt blinked blankly as Hermann’s ears turned a deep red and as he was placed back onto his feet the man put his hands down on his shoulders and Hermann winced as though two gigantic boulders had been placed on him. The man was smiling now with such warmth and relief that Newt couldn’t help but begin to smile too. It was infectious.

He said something in German and Hermann blushed even deeper replying in a familiar disapproving tone. The man then turned to Newt and put his hands on his hips studying him with a hawk like stare. “I must apologise. You do not speak German?” Newt shook his head and the man made a vague nodding gesture as if he had expected this. “My name is Oskar. It is a pleasure to meet you.”

Newt nodded and offered his hand. He felt shy. He had almost no history of feeling that way and his hand shook as he waited for Oskar to reciprocate. He looked down at Newts hand and the warm smile broke out again, his hand was strong and warm and a he pumped Newts hand up and down a little roughly as if he couldn’t contain his excitement. Newt wet his lips to speak.

“This is Doctor Gieszler onkel, he is the colleague I mentioned to you in my email?”

 Hermann interrupted. Oskar nodded and reached over to take their bags from Newts hand. Newt had not lived in Germany long after his parents had broken up but he did recognise _some_ German words. This man was the uncle Hermann had mentioned on the phone to Tendo.

“Ahh the infamous Doctor Gieszler.”

“Call me Newt.” He was trying to fake his old confidence and Oskar glanced over his shoulder as they walked his thick accent rolling over his name as he repeated it back to him with a wry smile.

“ _Newt_.”

He nodded and the man just laughed that deep booming chuckle again. Hermann’s face was pinched and he was struggling to keep up with his uncles pace. Newt had automatically slowed himself and Oskar reached the doors well before they did. Newt scurried alongside his partner ignoring the intense calculating gaze of Oskar in favour of leaning over murmur to Hermann.

“Is this who we were supposed to be meeting?”

Hermann glanced his way. “Yes, but we were not supposed to see him until tonight. It is odd that he decided to come here an-“

“Come along, my car is this way!” Oskar lurched over to a huge black saloon car and popped the boot to throw the bags in. When he stuck his head back around to peer at his nephew and Newt his cheerful smile dropped. Hermann was glaring at  him .

“What is happening?”

“I thought I could give you both a lift...”

“You don’t know where we are staying.”

“Hermann you are able to tell me aren’t you?”

Hermann looked like he was trying to hide the anger and dread that seemed to be filling him as they stepped out from under the covered walkway. The clouds covered the stars in the sky and they were heavy in the dim moonlight. Hermann hesitated as they reached the car sliding into the back seat after a moment; again knocking Newts hands away as he attempted to help him.

Newt bit back on his impulse to berate Hermann for not taking his help when he was so clearly in so much pain.

He then rounded the car and got into the passenger seat next to Oskar. Oskar was staring at his nephew in the rear view mirror. “Where are we going then?”

Hermann’s voice was robotic and his gaze questioning and mistrustful as he replied. Newt wanted to break the awkward silence by asking what had happened between the two men and what Hermann was so worried about but he was too late as Oskar pulled out of the pickup zone his gaze turning to Newt.

“So you are a colleague of my nephew?”

Newt nodded.

 “Are you... _close_ or...”

Newt didn’t know what to say. He glanced over his shoulder to see Hermann staring off into the distance his gaze unfocussed his hands resting on the head of his cane. Newt shuffled in his seat pulling the parka tighter around himself like a cocoon. He thought about Hermann’s conversation on the plane. He **had** said they were friends.

That was simple enough.

There was no need to bring up the weird turn their relationship had taken since VK day.  In fact now that New thought about it their relationship had always been sort of odd but it had been comfortable and he had known where he stood.

Not anymore.

“We are friends.”

Oskar nodded and glanced up to his rear view mirror for a second. “Judging by the time it took you to answer that I would say things are a little more complicated than that?”

Newt could feel himself blushing but he didn’t reply. “Never mind, that is not why you are here. You have a tribunal soon yes?” Newt nodded and fiddled with one of the strings from the parka’s hood. “And before this we must find out what is going on up here.” He reached out a massive hand to prod Newt gently in the forehead with his index finger.

Newt froze. He knew why they were here after all but Hermann didn’t know he had heard. So he pretended to be surprised. “What do you mean?”

“He did not tell you? Hermann sent me your data and his own report about your connection. I was involved in the Jaeger pilot program with my brother before he left.”

“He left?”

“Yes, Hermann and I disagreed with him over the shift to the wall project. He did not believe the jaegers were viable anymore. At first I agreed with him but my nephew was passionate about the jaegers’ and convinced me to see the truth“

“Oh.”  Newt glanced over at his partner but he was still staring out into the freezing night. They pulled up outside a tiny rundown building with a neon sign denoting it as a hotel. The three men sat in the car for moment all staring at the dilapidated building.

“This is where you are staying?”

 Hermann went to get out of the car but the door locks suddenly slammed down and he glared at his uncle through the mirror. “ **Yes.”**

Newt didn’t know what to say. He knew that they had been assigned a hotel by the PPDC and he knew that their department, being on the edge of closure, was not going to give them great priority or funding. But this was a piss take.

“Hermann. This is unacceptable.”

Hermann was white in the face and his hand was trembling on the head of his cane. “I am sure it is acceptable.”

Newt shrugged. Hermann seemed defiant despite that fact it was obvious how shocked and disgusted by the state of the hotel he was. Newt immediately rushed to back him up. “Yeah man, I mean. My room at the shatter dome is way worse than this.”

Oskar frowned deeply and shook his head. “No, you are not staying here.”

 He pulled away at some speed leaving the run down hotel in his dust as he made his way back onto the autobahn.

“Woah dude, where is he taking us?”

Newt clung to the dashboard watching the veins in Oskar’s forehead pulse. He looked angry enough that Newt was beginning to legitimately worry they were on their way to murder somebody. He was muttering under his breath in German clenching his hands to emphasise every five or so words. Newt would’ve mentioned the familial resemblance between Oskar right now and Hermann every time Newt took things a little too far except he knew how to calm Hermann down.

His question was aimed at his partner but Oskar answered him. “Home.”

By the time they pulled up to a large apartment block near Museum Island Newt had managed to calm his thundering heart down. The wince in Hermann’s eyes as Oskar had spoken told Newt more than he need to know. He had obviously had planned to meet his uncle and get his help with their situation but for his uncle to be so closely involved with them and for him to take them ‘home’ seemed to cause him great distress.

Newt looked out on an empty market square watching snowflakes begin to fall onto the pitch-black road. Oskar was up and out of his seat and around to the boot in an instant and Newt cleared his throat in the silence of the car. Hermann banged his cane once on the floor and Newt was reminded of the night he came to pick him up. “This is what you were afraid of?”

Hermann sighed. “My uncle is an eccentric man. He is also very....controlling. After my father left the Jaeger program we became close.”

“Should I be worried?”

Hermann scoffed. “He is not controlling in that senses Newton. He cares deeply for me.”

Newt leant back in his seat catching Oskar’s eye over the open boot lid. He was annoyed at the way Hermann had told him that as if he was making idiotic assumptions. “Well if he isn’t dangerous then why were you so worried about him letting us stay with him?”

“As I said, he is eccentric.”

Oskar came back around and opened his door bending down to stare at his nephew. “Hermann, you have no choice. You might as well come inside.”

Hermann didn’t reply but Newt took the slight droop of his shoulders as the defeat it was. “We will be inside in a minute?”

Oskar gave him that look again before breaking out into a wide smile. “Okay, I will get the tea started.” He then took off with their bags stampeding across the gravel covering the marketplace floor to the front door of the apartment building.

Hermann waited for him to go inside before he moved. “Newton, I am aware that I did not make my plans-“

 “Dude, I want this sorted out as badly as you do. It’s fine okay?”

 Hermann nodded briskly but Newt could see something wary behind his eyes. “Well regardless... I would like to apologise for keeping this from you. It would benefit us both the find out the true nature of the connection between our minds, especially with the tribunal only a week away. I have been reliably informed that the brass is aware of our predicament and that it will factor into their decision.”

“Like I said, I don’t want you inside my head anymore than you don’t want to be in there. You never know what you would find.”

He knew he sounded bitter and he tried to bite back on his anger. He couldn’t resist the little jibe though. He was happy to find out more about the after effects the drift had had on him but _his_ concern had more to do with his connection to the kaiju than it did his connection with Hermann.  They slipped out into the cold Berlin night and Newt pulled the parka up around his shoulders as snowflakes melted on his lenses. He waited stamping his feet on the ground as Hermann walked around the car and tried to give him a nice smile. It probably came out as more of a grimace but Hermann still returned it with a short nod to confirm that they were okay.

Newt couldn’t help but smile for real then because it was like they were lingering back stage behind dusty velvet curtains at some ridiculously prestigious university about to give one of their infamous lectures. Hermann always gave him the nod and he would smile and put on his show act standing up a little straighter and letting go control over his excited flailing as he talked at the lectern; whilst Hermann played the straight man moving robotically and precisely around the stage area. Hermann had mentioned how he had been playing up his naturally over the top personality and Newt had simply shrugged. They would only judge for it anyway so why not push it straight in their faces, make his enthusiasm and passion so evident that they had no choice but to ignore his weirdness to try and focus on what he was saying. He had always enjoyed the lectures. It was the closest to being a rock star he was ever likely to get.

Their footsteps and the sound of Hermann’s cane on the pebble floor echoed around the empty square and a fierce wind charged down the street to drag the parka backwards off of his shoulders, he shivered dragging it around himself his eyes squeezing shut until it relented. He then stole a glance at Hermann. He was surprised to find his gaze returned and Hermann quickly looked away. He looked thin and tired in the cold unforgiving moonlight and  as they reached the door Newt resisted the urge to just grab him and pull him into the warmth of his coat a tight embrace he would probably never want to leave.

Oskar’s apartment was large and roomy with furniture that would have once featured in a interior designs magazine but now was slightly battered and worn as if well used. The air was warm with the sweet smell of frying vegetables and three huge mugs of tea sat on a black glass coffee table beside a wall of white bookshelves. Newt waited for Hermann to head towards the kitchen before he wandered over to it reading the names of rows and rows of German novels, books on art history, and neurological journals. Two enormous windows sat on either side of a floating white fireplace the simplistic design marred somewhat by a collection of porcelain rabbits dotted around its base. The white leather sofa was strewn with what looked suspiciously like hand knitted cushion and on a out-of-place wooden rocking chair in the far corner sat a sagging purple bag full of wool.

Newt grinned. Hermann’s uncle was nothing he expected. Frankly he was expecting an older version of the mathematician and a small part of him was a little disappointed he wasn’t. Newt sighed stepping over a pile of books leant haphazardly against a white side table. He _was_ drawn to people like Hermann after all. He didn’t know if he should sit or not so instead he wandered over to a small corridor on the other side of the room. The doors were open and he could see a cold grey bathroom at the far end and two bedrooms off to the side. One master bedroom with walls lined in bookshelves, clothes half folded on dresser tops and an unmade bed and one bedroom with a single bed pressed tight up under a built-in wardrobe and cupboards made of shiny white glass. The room was bare and almost empty except for the bed, cupboards and a battered wooden piano.

Newt’s stomach lurched. He recognised that piano.

 He didn’t hesitate before slipping into the room conscious of his dirty shoes on the light tan carpet. Lifting the lid of the piano he found perfectly polished keys and his fingers itched. He sighed and leant over it to stare at his reflection in the large square windows. He could see the snow falling heavily now making soft pattering sounds against the glass and his thoughts turned to the classical music Hermann would play on cold nights in the shatterdome. Soft tinkling compositions that filled the room with calm and Hermann it seemed with a strange sense of happy but subdued nostalgia.

His reflection stared back at him hair standing on end his eyes dark and he could see the overwhelming sadness in his chest in his eyes so viscerally he had to look away. If that was what he saw than what did Hermann see? Hermann, who had always been better at understanding Newt than even Newt had been at understanding himself.

His fingers found the right keys and he played out the closing bars of one of Hermann’s favourite. Or at least he thought it was one of his favourites. It was the one that he would play when he was alone in the lab, Newt would often find him asleep with this one song playing on a loop during long cold nights. The back of his mind buzzed with a aching sadness that matched the pain in his chest. It filled him with a sick sense of satisfaction and it was addictive.  He finished the song softly and froze when he heard the clink of metal against wood.

“What are you doing?”

Newt turned around grabbing the cuffs of the jacket. “Sorry man, I butchered that huh?”

Hermann’s face was a picture. He was caught between his professional mask of indifference and a strange air of desperate aching sadness. He sniffed lifting his chin. “You dropped a few notes at the end.”

Newt shrugged. “I could probably play it perfectly on guitar. Rock stars don’t play piano.”

Hermann glared at him but there was no real feeling behind his expression. “That is patently untrue Newton.”

He them simply turned away and limped back into the living room. Newt waited for a second before gently lowering the piano lid and following him. Oskar popped his head around the doorway from the kitchen and gave him a calculating look before smiling warmly at Hermann. “Come and sit boy, I have prepared some of my famous secret recipe soup for you both!” He disappeared again and Newt jogged a little to catch up to Hermann who was walking as though approaching his own funeral. His eyes were glazed as if he was deep in thought and Newt for once decided not to interrupt him.

The kitchen was suitably large and behind the haphazard piles of pans, what Newt supposed were highly specialised cooking implements, and ingredients was a smooth sleek kitchen coated again in white gloss and glass and shining chrome fittings. The small bistro table sat wedged in a corner behind an imposing bookshelf loaded with cookery books and magazines. Hermann absentmindedly slipped into the furthest seat leaning his cane against his knees. Newt scooted in across from him and tried to inch out a little when he felt their legs collide. For a moment he paused in case he had disturbed whatever trance Hermann had dropped into but as he didn’t look up Newt relaxed letting his bony knees knock against Hermann, their ankles intertwining a little as he tried not to kick out the cane. HE failed and it slipped under the table coming to rest against his own knees. Hermann didn’t move to grab for it so Newt let it rest there.

Hermann’s face was blank now; not his mask anymore but not full of life and character either. Just empty.  HE began to panic, what if Hermann had seen more than just Newts sadness maybe he had walked into that room and had seen the desperate need in him to connect with something of Hermann’s. Maybe that was why he was-

“Here you go, eat up!” Oskar slammed two bowls down in front of them breaking Newt from his panic and Hermann from his thoughts. Both men gave weak attempts to thank Oskar before he interrupted them again to place a warm bowl of bread beside them. He then wandered away to grab the mugs. Hermann sighed heavily and began to eat taking small sips from the side of his spoon. Newt wanted to say something. He wanted to know why Hermann was so upset, he wanted to know just how Oskar planned to help them and most of all he wanted to know that Hermann hadn’t seen exactly what he was so scared of finding in Newts brain. Hermann had eaten almost half his bowl in under five minutes.

“So what’s the plan Hermann?”

 He tried to force his usual enthusiasm into his words and he felt that for the most part it worked. Hermann looked across at him and his ankles twitched against Newts. “Tomorrow morning we are to head for the laboratory at the university here. My uncle is still a lecturer there and can get us access to the old Jaeger testing lab.”

Newt’s eyes went wide. “Wait, the actual lab...the real one....where they created the neural bridge technology!?”

Hermann nodded slowly chewing on a piece of bread. “Yes. There is some unique equipment there that I am hoping will shed some light on our situation.”

Newt beamed, his heart was soaring. He had always wanted to see the machines, to test the things he had only read about. ”I thought the PPDC had all of that stored away somewhere, like, to be forgotten?”

“That was what they had initially planned yes.”

“But then-“

“All my doing Newt.” Oskar had appeared again passing the hot mugs over to his nephew and then Newt. His eyes caught on Newts still full bowl and he gave him a stern look. “I hope this is not some comment on my cooking...”

Newt blushed and dove into the bowl taking a large spoonful. The soup was warm and full of flavour, it left a spicy taste on his tongue and he immediately took another spoonful and then another. “Oh my god, this is so good.” After months of eating microwave meals from the corner shop at his shitty apartment and then the cafeteria food at the shatterdome the soup was like manna from the heavens to the biologist. Even the bread, coated in some sort of salty deep brown crust melted on his tongue and he realised he was starving. He hadn’t eaten for hours and hours and they had been travelling all day. Hermann’s face was cold and empty again as Newt devoured his meal and Oskar explained how he had commissioned the university to salvage the equipment bit by bit, most of it paid for by his own hand.

Newt didn’t notice him leaving until his shins suddenly felt exposed and a cool hand slipped over his knee to grasp at the cane. His stomach flipped as Hermann’s fingers brushed his inner thigh and he blushed deeply chocking on the mouthful of bread he had been enthusiastically chewing. Hermann wasn’t looking at him though and his face remained perfectly calm as his fingers closed around the cane and he dragged it free.

“I must retire. Doctor Gieszler I would suggest you look over my notes before our tests tomorrow.”

Newt frowned because something was still bothering Hermann and he was still distracted and saddened by it. “Uh...goodnight Hermann?”

“Goodnight boy.”

Hermann nodded at them both and made his way as quickly as possible across the kitchen and out of the door. Oskar immediately launched back into his story moving around to lean against the bookshelf behind where Hermann had sat. Except now Newt wasn’t listening. Oskar stopped mid sentence and put his hands on his hips. His calculating gaze was back and Newt ducked his head using a large piece of bread to wipe up the remains of his soup.

”How as my nephew been recently?”

Newt shrugged. “He isn’t sleeping much and he doesn’t really eat that much. Pretty normal for him.”

Oskar scoffed. “He does not look so normal to me.”

Newt shuffled in his seat. “Yeah well, this whole thing with VK day and the after effects of the meld are stressing him out a bit. You know how much he cares about K-science. Once we get that sorted out and the meld thing fixed he will be back to his old self again.”

“You think so? What if you lose your department, or we cannot fix the meld? I think Hermann is hoping for a lot here.”

Newt nervously moved his bowl over a little and leant on the table. “I don’t know man. We will figure it out. Hermann seems pretty set on fixing the meld whatever happens and he won’t let the department go without a fight. If anyone can save us it’s him.”

“Sounds like you trust Hermann with a lot.”

Newt couldn’t look at him. “Like I said, we are good friends. I spend all day with the dude so I know what he is capable of.”

“So, you two are good friends and yet he calls you by your title?”

“You know Herms, a stickler for titles that guy.”

Oskar frowned and Newt swallowed hard. “He has told me a lot about you. He says you are a brilliant biologist.”

“Oh does he...”

“But that your unprofessionalism and your attitude to authority are a detriment to your work.”

Newt suddenly felt like he was back at his reenlistment meeting. He thought about his desperate Hermann had been to have him there, his passionate review of Newts work. He had to swallow back tears. “Seems he tells a lot of people that.”

Oskar leant down and placed both palms on the table so he was facing Newt directly. “It is not just your work that he tells me about Newt. He says that you treat him well.”

Newt frowned. “What does that mean?”

Oskar sighed. “My nephew is a sensitive boy, he always has been. He finds it difficult to....connect with people.”

Newt thought back to their first official meeting. He thought about all the things the people around him who had already met Hermann had told him, that he was cold and only cared about his work. They never said he wasn’t a good scientist or that he was difficult to work with. Just that he was not someone they would go for a drink with or invite out after work or hell even sit with at lunch. Newt had been so determined to prove everyone wrong about the man he had already formed such an intense bond with through letters that he hadn’t really given Hermann the choice of being difficult to connect with. He had decided even before they met that regardless of how he presented himself at first, Newt was going to stick with him. He stared at Oskar keeping his gaze even and unflinching.

“Not for me.”  Oskar beamed at him obviously pleased with this response and Newt felt compelled to smile back.

“As I gathered, in fact he mentioned you so much that I was beginning to think that maybe you two were-“

“Were _what_?” Newts smile dropped instantly and he felt sick. He really didn’t want to go down this path with Oskar.

“That your relationship went deeper than friendship.” Oskar was returning his gaze intensely. Newt very carefully placed his hands on his lap and ignored the desire in his gut to just blurt out everything. His pathetic lingering crush, the fact that maybe at one time there had been a chance that it could have worked that way for them, the fact that Hermann had long forgotten those thoughts and feelings. That Newt was hanging himself with his unrequited desire. That Hermann was actively frightened of finding out that Newt was in love with him.

He laughed instead.

“Me and Hermann? No way. He would go insane! I annoy him enough already. Anyway that is why we are here isn’t it? To get rid of the connection so he can get free of me. I mean just plain distance obviously didn’t work before so we have to do something about it right?”

Oskar raised an eyebrow in a eerie move reminiscent of Hermann and Newt could feel the flush in his face bloom down his neck and sweat begin to form on his brow. He had overdone it slightly there. “Anyway, Hermann was married wasn’t he.”

 Oskar simply titled his head.  “I do not think my nephew wants to be free of you Newt. If what he has told me about you that is far from his intention. He has always been a particularity gifted boy and his mind has always been his greatest asset. To lose even a little control of that is worrying for him I think. As for his marriage, do not tell the boy but the whole situation seemed odd to me start to finish. They married so quickly, I wanted to be happy for him but I could see that it would not last.”

“ _What_?” Newt thought about how badly Hermann’s divorce had screwed him up and yet he had barely visited her during their work at the academy. He had never met Vanessa and Hermann had almost never spoken of her but after the kaiju war got worse and worse and they had moved to the shatterdome it was almost like Hermann forgot all about her. The divorced had come out of the blue, or at least as far as Newt knew.  

Oskar lifted his hands up and shrugged. “Besides, I do not think Hermann would have given you his coat if he disliked you.”

Newt felt hid his shaking hands in the coats cuffs. Oskar yawned wide and ran a hand through his hair. “I am going to go to bed.” Newt just twitched his lips at him and after an awkward moment of silence Oskar dumped their bowls in the sink and headed towards the bedroom shouting over his shoulder to Newt. “There is fresh bedding and blankets in Hermann’s room if you need it.”

Newt ignored the temptation and instead headed back into the living room to read through Hermann’s notes. His mind wandered and he kept thinking about how Hermann seemed to be singing his praises to everyone around them and yet to Newts face he was always judgmental and sometimes downright rude. Newt flipped through the pages and pages of neat writing taking nothing in. The sad stone in his chest got heavier and heavier as he thought about the possibility they had once had. What if Newt had shown up that day, what if Hermann had met him and they had fallen in love? Hermann had said himself that he had had feelings for him, and that him being a dude wouldn’t have mattered and Newt bit back on tears. He had fucked up the best thing that could have happened to him and it was so long ago now that there was nothing he could do to fix it.

The fact of the matter was that the idea of dating a stranger whose face he had never seen and whose voice he had never heard and who had only ever shown him his best parts was possible to Hermann and yet dating Newt who he spent every day with for ten years and who he knew inside and out was disgusting, something to be afraid of.

It was only after Hermann truly knew him that he couldn’t love him anymore.

 


	8. Electricity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt finally makes a breakthrough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, sorry this one took so long guys. I hope you like this one, it is a little less depressing than the others!

_He knew he was dreaming, it was so obvious these days that he decided to just go with it. He was sat on a bench in an old red brick building staring across a narrow hallway at the green gloss covered wall opposite. His toes skimmed the wooden floorboards and he sucked in a heaving gulp. His knees hurt and blood trickled down his skinny legs seeping into his clean white socks. There was still grit and dirt in his wounds and he rubbed his palms messily across his face knocking his glasses away from his face. They dropped to the floor and he leant down to grab them flushing with embarrassment._

_He was  trying so hard not to cry but the cruel words Johan Snicks had hurled at him as he lay on the tarmac playground whizzed around and around in his head and he couldn’t stop the memories of everyone stood around just watching. Even the teachers didn’t seem to have any sympathy for him. He swallowed another huge sob and scrabbled around for his glasses. Thankfully his fingers found a lens and he sniffed sliding them up his nose and flipping his long fringe from his face. The end of the hallway was bathed in light and the door was open to the garden behind the school where certain years were allowed to play._

_Stood just outside twirling a flower between her fingers was the prettiest girl he had ever seen. Sandra Mason, the daughter of his math teacher._

_His stomach felt funny and he got to his feet watching as she slowly realised she was being watched the bright warm smile on her lips fading. The sunlight bounced off of her golden blonde hair tied in pigtails and her socks were half up sagging down one leg. She had dirt smudges on her hands and dress and Hermann tried to wave to her but she gave him a confused look before turning away and he could feel his stomach clench as he blinked in surprise because suddenly he was no longer a child._

_The air was sweltering and he was crushed into a tiny corner between two hideous cheap bookcases. He was wearing a tweed jacket that was too big for him and a black shirt that clung around his neck and across his sweat soaked arms. Newt blinked because he remembered this too, or at least the setting seemed familiar. He remembered this office vividly and he glanced around trying to place himself his gaze landings on a neat notebook in front of him. He lifted it to his face and Newt abruptly realised they were at the PPDC conference in New York during a sweltering summer, they had been in meetings for weeks and weeks over the development of K-science and at the end of the conference they were assigned together._

_Newt knew he was just a passenger in this memory, it was too strong for him to resist as he turned his head in response to a screeching noise of disgust to his left. It was then he saw himself, or at least this dreams version of him. He was stood precariously up on a fold out chair which was sat on the wide wooden windowsill. The chair was wobbling and shaking with the effort dream-Newt was putting into trying to open the ancient wooden windows. He was pushing with all his might against the window and it squealed as it moved a short inch. Dream-Newt yelped in shock and grabbed the curtains for support. From where he sat Newt couldn’t help but watch with his heart pounding in his chest. Every nerve in his body was jumping; he had been so sure dream-Newt was going to fall._

_Or at least that was why he though his heart was pounding because now he was crossing his legs and trying to shrink further into the wall to hide the fact he was staring. Dream-Newt was wearing a slightly too tight white shirt and a striped tie he had pulled loose so it flopped against his shirt. The shirt itself was almost see-through with the amount dream-Newt was sweating and his hair stood up in every direction. Dream Newt laughed with relief and Newt couldn’t breathe because the sunlight was streaming through the window, floating dust motes swirled around dream-Newts glasses and the crinkles in his shining eyes. He felt that stomach flip again, just like Sandra Mason. Dream-Newt turned away reaching up against to push at the window and now he was looking he couldn’t stop his hungry eyes eating up the muscles in dream-Newts shoulders and his tanned forearms. His eyes were drawn to the tight black jeans he was wearing because he had refused to wear dress trouser for a fourth day in a row and Hermann couldn’t have been more pleased to lose a argument than seeing Newt in those jeans. Newt could feel all of these things and he could feel his heart beating a steady heavy rhythm against his chest and he sucked in a surprised breath when he felt a wash of shame so strong that it seemed to tear Newt away from the memory and out into blackness._

When he awoke it was obvious he had slept much longer than Hermann, when **his** mind had woken Newts had been blank. Newt rolled over from where he was lying on his arms and he wriggled his fingers trying to force feeling back into the numb limb. His face was numb as well and his glasses were askew where he had fallen on them. He blinked in the dim half light of the living room and realised what had woken him. There were two hushed but obviously passionate voices arguing in the kitchen. Newt felt alien. He remembered what he had seen and felt in that dream. Hermann had been in that office that day basically ogling him. And he still remembered that.

Newt didn’t know if he wanted to laugh or throw up.

He shuffled his body up a little fingers probing around him to move Hermann’s files from where they were thankfully only slightly bent beneath Newts thighs and he sat up. The room was cold and the air smelt of long brewed coffee. Newt flinched as the voices in the kitchen rose lightly and he realised they were speaking in German. He regretted his lack of understanding because whatever Hermann was arguing for obviously struck him on a deeply personal level. The tone of his voice was sharp and unyielding and one that Newt knew too well. It stung him with memories of Hermann’s enthusiastic almost evangelical arguments for his mathematic models and the quake of fear he saw in the people who came up against him. Newt had always been the only one who actually enjoyed arguing with him, it was like crashing yourself into a wall of raging waves.

It was refreshing but terrifying.

“My feelings are none of your concern!” Hermann’s voice was bitter and Newt could hear him stamping angrily back and forth across the kitchen. He peered over the back of the sofa and caught a flash of his pinched face bright red with fury. Oskar’s voice rumbled lowly in response but Newt couldn’t make out his words. Hermann’s reply was laced with his rage. “You do not have the right to get involved in our relationship! I should have known this would happen. I cannot trust you to keep to your own business. “

He heard Oskar’s response this time and it made his heart race and his hands shake. “His feelings are as obvious as yours are boy; I was only trying to help.”

“You have no idea what you are talking about!”

“You are overreacting. “

“ _Overreacting_!? You are trying to ruin perhaps the most productive partnership I have ever had by insinuating to my professional partner of almost ten years that I have romantic intentions towards him, intentions that he could never, and definitely would never return!” Hermann slammed his cane on the floor and from where Newt peeked at him he could see just his toes, his cane, and his shaking hand.

His stomach dropped through the floor. Hermann seemed so certain that Newt didn’t care about him, didn’t want him in that way. It seemed ridiculous to him that he could be feeling the same way as Newt. What if Hermann _did_ love him back, what if they were both wallowing in misery unaware of each other’s true feelings? He could not stop the white hot pick of hope in his chest. If that was true perhaps that was what Hermann had been so afraid of him finding out.

Perhaps what he feared finding in Newts mind was not the evidence of his love, but the absence of it all together.

Hermann’s pacing had ceased for only a few moments before he headed towards the living room. Newt froze as he came into the room certain he would be discovered, however Hermann bypassed him completely storming for the door. He shut it softly behind him but with a quick clean motion that Newt knew meant he was not at all calm. For a second he considered going after him, asking him what they had been arguing about, demanding answers for the memories he had accessed. He slumped back staring up at the ceiling his mind whirring at full speed.

There was no doubt left in is mind that Hermann at least found him attractive back then, and he at one point had felt strongly for N so maybe those two pinpoints in time could collide again and he would feel for Newt the same way Newt felt for him. He was still frozen on the sofa his hands uselessly clenching at the cushion as he warred with his fear that everything he had dreamt and all the moments he thought back on with fondness were really just him blowing simple friendship out of proportion or forcing his own desires into Hermann’s memories.

Oskar crept up on him and when he spoke his voice was gruff and deep and right behind him. Newt yelped and jumped in his seat scrabbling away from the now laughing man. “Did we wake you?” Newt clenched his fingers around Hermann’s file and shook his head trying to mimic someone who had just woken up. He faked a yawn and sat up. Oskar was smiling warmly at him and Newt couldn’t help the spike of irritation on Hermann’s behalf that he seemed so unaffected by their argument.

“Where is Hermann?”

Oskar shrugged. “We had a disagreement and he went out. Do not worry I am sure he will return soon enough.”

“A disagreement about what?”

“I told him that I had asked you about your relationship. He is a secretive man as you know and he did not take lightly to me asking you such things.”

Newt curled is legs up to cover his chest. He was confused as to why Oskar seemed so set on getting them together. Newt wanted that more than anything but Oskar’s involvement felt like too much. Hermann was right; this guy was a control freak. “Well it is kind of a personal thing dude.”

Oskar shrugged and his eyes wandered away looking distant. “I know, but I have seen Hermann throw opportunities for happiness away for the sake of his work and I do not want that for him again. I do not want him to lose you simply because he is afraid of the risk to his work. He deserves happiness now.”

Newt frowned and pushed his glasses up his nose. “His work is what makes him happy, knowing that he is making a difference makes him happy, he doesn’t need me to do that. Besides what makes you think he is going to lose me?”

”You would stay with him even if he is too cowardly to admit he has feelings for you? You would be his friend still despite your feelings for him?”

Newt blushed furiously. Oskar was not messing around, his eyes were like lighting and they bore a hole into Newt’s forehead. “I never said I have feelings for him, and he might at one time have had feelings for me but I don’t think that he still does. So yeah, I would stick around. Despite what happens between us we are kind of a package deal.”

Oskar shook his head his eyes drifting across the living room until they landed on his sleek white cabinet. He then smiled widely and clapped his hands together rushing across the room. “Ah ah, I have something to show you silly boy. This will show you that he still cares for you.”

He rifled around a neat stack of mail pulling out envelopes that struck Newt with a weird sense of familiarity. He then crossed the room and handed them over lingering his hold until Newt made eye contact with him. “You should read these boy. This will make you understand.” Oskar glanced at his watch and blinked as if surprised. “I must go. I have much to do....please if my nephew returns would you ask him to stay. I do miss him. I know he is a proud man and he will not accept but please...”

“I’ll ask him dude.” Oskar gave him a sad look and patted a massive hand over Newts clenched fingers. He then nodded and made for the door closing it softly behind him.

Newt stared at the letters in his hands. Hermann had always had a stack of these envelopes n his ancient desk and Newt would occasionally see him scribbling in his scratchy jagged handwriting using a fancy ball point pen. He would never say who he was writing too and Newt just assumed it was other researchers. Hermann had always been a fan of analogue communication like that. Newt’s stomach clenched. He had read that about him in some shitty journal article about him a week before he wrote him his first letter. He thought maybe if he did it by hand he would catch the eminent mathematician’s interest long enough to maybe get a reply.

He laughed a soft sad chuckle. Well, he wasn’t wrong.

He opened the first one, the most recent.  

‘ **I have found him. We will arrive in three days. Please make the required preparations. Your Nephew, Hermann.’**

He flicked through the pile his eyes boring deeper and deeper into the paper as he read Hermann’s conversations a sense of nostalgia and wonder coming over him. There was a line of strong affection which Newt had never seen in his own correspondence with Hermann but there were enough similarities that his throat started to close up and he sniffed trying hard to swallow down the raging storm of hope and fear and confusion in his chest. Hermann writing grew scratchier and filled more of the page when he talked about his work and the breakthroughs he was making. His stern clinical tone slipped the longer the letter he wrote and occasionally he would reference ‘him’ or ‘he’ and his writing would be at its neatest each word seemingly carefully chosen to portray or maybe even to hide something. Newt flicked to the bottom of the pile and bit his lip as he read. It was a letter sent from New York that long hot summer when they had first met. A particular passage caught his eyes.

**‘I have met a young biologist here who has a great interest in the kaiju. He seemed to be aware of my work and we discussed it at length during a presentation on the PPDC development program. It appears I am likely to be seeing a lot of him in these few weeks and I am looking forward to it. I think you would find his work as fascinating as I do uncle; in fact I have enclosed several of the papers I read last night for your consideration. After the presentation we discovered that we had been given the same rehearsal space for our own presentations and he suggested we present together as one unit! As you know I do not often share my work but he made some solid arguments and I think this is likely to happen.’**

The rest of the letter was short and abrupt and Newt quickly grabbed the next one. His eyes scanned the page.

**‘As for your comments Uncle I can only say this, do not confuse intellectual interest as _gushing_. You yourself admit that his work is brilliant. We ate breakfast together this morning and discussed the work of a former colleague of mine. I told him that it was possible that we would be chosen to work together in the kaiju sciences department, perhaps under the leadership of a correlation of scientists. He seemed as excited by the prospect as I am. To work on such a project would be a great honour and to do so with such formative fascinating scientists would only add to the experience.’ **

Newt’s skin was thrumming reading page after page of Hermann’s impressions of him. He remembered Hermann at that conference, he had appeared so rough and abrupt when he spoke to him and yet even then he felt some sort of ownership of Hermann. They had met and instantly they were a pair. He thought about that breakfast Hermann had barely said a word to him outside of discussing his work and to see that despite his professional and slightly uptight exterior he had been as excited and overwhelmed by the possibilities that opened up when they met each other as Newt had been. The memory of the mere glint of pleasure in Hermann’s eyes when he told Newt they could end up working together had always been enough to warm his heart.

He flicked through the rest of the letters, their numbers dwindling and coming more sporadically as the kaiju war raged on until the penultimate letter. It was much longer than the others and was written with a shaky hand.

**‘Uncle,**

**It is over. You will no doubt have seen the news by the time this reaches you. We did it, Newton and I, we found a way to solve the biggest problem I have ever faced. I know that at a time like this I should feel joy, or relief, or maybe even grief for the friends I have lost. But I do not. I only feel the weight of uncertainly about our future and the worry of  a man who’s mind is not his own. I was not truthful with you regarding the extent of the dangers I was willing to face to stop this war and for that I apologise.**

**Uncle, I have done what you had always warned me not too. Newton built a neural interface from scrap and used it to meld with a Kaiju brain! I hope you would now understand my reasons for doing what it is I am about to tell you I have done. Uncle I have melded with the kaiju whilst simultaneously melding with Newton.**

**It is nothing that I expected. It was painful and confusing but to see into the mind fop another creature not of this world was a experience I cannot look back on with anything but regret clouding me. The experience was not solely mine however and Newton and I both saw things which led to us developing a plan which ultimately helped end the war. I know you will be asking yourself why I would regret such a thing and the truth is that I have such strong side effects from this singular event that I cannot begin to imagine what Newton, a man who has melded twice with the creatures, is suffering with. I am plagued by nightmares of the kaiju hive mind and of Newton’s memories and I fear that my own memories are invading his mind in much the same way.**

**It is these side effects that cause me to write to you uncle. I will board a plane in the morning to Berlin. I wish for you to meet me there in a week’s time. It is imperative that I understand just how deep the connection between Newton and I lies and whether I have caused any damage to his brilliant mind. I could not forgive myself for forcing him to resort to such actions. I am plagued by the thought that if I had only worked harder perhaps the meld would not have been necessary for us to achieve the understanding of the kaiju, if I had only listened to Newton’s theories and had not excused them as the ramblings of a genius let loose then perhaps I could have spared us this fate.**

**I cannot forgive myself uncle; I can only hope that you may.**

**Your nephew,**

**Hermann’**

Newt sniffed as a tear rolled down his cheek his mind turning back to the guilty look Hermann had flashed at him in that fucking corridor. Hermann had left because he was ashamed; he honestly blamed himself for the side effects. Newt dropped the letter to the floor and took his glasses off rubbing his wet eyes on his arm. Hermann had fled because of Newts stupid impulsive personality. He had been completely ready to meld with that baby kaiju brain alone knowing that it could kill him and Hermann had stepped in to help him and Newt had _let_ him.

He rubbed his eyes again. The letters made two things clear.

  1.        Hermann was carrying around a hell of a lot of guilt that he did not deserve.
  2.        Hermann could 100% still possibly have feelings for Newt beyond friendship or a ‘professional partnership’.



Newt quickly shuffled the letters together and put them back in the cupboard feeling his muscles twitch in the dead silence of the apartment. His eyes wandered over to the wide windows and the now heavily falling snow which pattered against the glass. He sniffed again and straightened his back catching his reflection.

He looks haggard and tired and the sadness he carried with him bore through in his eyes. He shook his hair out of his eyes and turned more fully to face his reflection taking in his battered appearance frowning at himself.  The combination of Hermann’s dreams and the letters and Oskar’s insistence and all the ‘moments’ he wound replay over and over in his mind seemed to solidify in his head.

He was Newton Gieszler.

He was determined.

He was a rockstar of science.

He was not going to wallow anymore. He walked a few steps towards the window and glared into his own eyes. He was going to wait for Hermann to get back and he was going to tell him that he read his letters and that he saw the memories of New York and of the aftermath of VK-day and he was going to outright just ask him. He was going to say. “Hermann I am in love with you.” And Hermann was going to reply with. “I am in love with you too Newton.” And then they would work on the meld problems and Newt was going to drill it into Hermann’s stupid big beautiful brain that what happened wasn’t his fault and that even f they didn’t fix it they would be okay because they had each other. Even if they didn’t get their department back. Newt nodded to himself and tried to say the words confidently.

“I am Newt Gieszler, I am a rockstar scientist, I saved the world and I am ...I am _in love_ with Hermann Gottlieb.” His voice faltered at the end but he stuck his chin up and put his hands on his hips and tried to force his old confident smile, the one he used when his peers would look at him like some stupid child, some idiot with a dream and a weird obsession with monsters.

A key turned in the lock and he immediately crumbled crossing his arms in front of himself and trying his hardest to stop himself from blushing. Hermann bustled into the room with his eyes set hard and stony. They relaxed a little as Newt made eye contact. “Newton, I am glad you are awake. You must collect your things.”

Newt opened his mouth to say everything he had planned but the words wouldn’t come. Hermann quirked a eyebrow and put his hand on his hip leaning on his cane. “Right away.” It was a command and Newt just nodded scurrying to Hermann’s room.

He was blushing deeply. Okay so maybe he wasn’t that confident yet. Maybe a more subtle approach would be easier...casual flirting perhaps. He chuckled to himself trying to imagine what causal flirting would be like with Hermann.  He grabbed their bags and headed back to the living room to see Hermann pinning a short note to the fridge.

After a brief hesitation he decided to start as he meant to go on. Subtle flirting, he could do this. He read it over the mathematicians shoulder taking the opportunity to be close the snow covered shoulders of his friend. He purposefully huffed a spurt of air across Hermann’s neck and pushed his chest forward reaching around Hermann to point at the note.

“We have a hotel room?”

“I do not want to discuss it but my uncle and I had a disagreement and I do not.... _want_ to stay here anymore.”

 Newt smiled because Hermann didn’t lie and tell him some bullshit excuse for why they were leaving. He was being honest at least. Hermann was blushing slightly and Newt studied him closely trying to discern if it was being so close to Newt or just because he was admitting to the fight. Further studies were needed.

“Okay great, so what’s the plan for today?”

Hermann slipped from between him and the fridge and headed towards the door a small smile playing about his lips. “The lab is not open today, so today I am going to show you the city. I know you’re curiosity will only distract you from the work. Did you read my files?”

 Newt grinned back at him following him out of the door. When they visited attack sites with the PPDC or during conferences in the early days of k-science Hermann had always set aside the first day for touristy things. 

“Yeah, I read them all. I think I know what we need to do to keep us in business Herms. I really think we can do it.”

Hermann gave his a wry grin and began a slow hobble down the steps and out of the door into the snowstorm.  Newt shifted his grip on the bags and followed him out blinking furiously against the blustering wind. The square was just beginning to fill up with market stalls even in the harsh weather and Hermann smiled and nodded his head over to a nearby seller who was just getting his product from his car.

“Perhaps later we will walk back this way and I will buy you the most delicious sausage you will ever try.”

Newt grinned “That had better be a promise Herms.”

Hermann shrugged his coat up around his neck and picked up his pace a little leaning towards Newt as they approached the underground. “We will go to the hotel and drop off the bags first and then we will have lunch at a cafe by the Spree.”

“Let me guess, you know a place?”

“I would visit it often whilst I worked at the university here. Careful with the bags on the underground.”

“Dude I know to look out for bag snatchers oaky? I _have_ lived in cities before.” H

Hermann gave him a stern look and took his briefcase closing his fingers tight around the clasp. “Yes, but this work is invaluable and a one off. I do not want to take the risk that you would become distracted and lose it.”

“And what exactly is going to distract me down there! I have been on a underground before too Hermann. I am not Neanderthal!” There was no real bite to their words and Hermann just glanced over his shoulder and scoffed. Newt glared back at him and they descended the steps, instantly caught up in a slowly growing throng of passengers. The air was close and surprisingly warm and Newt spent most of the time panicking that Hermann was going to slip on the wet floor covered in melting snow. At one point as they sped up to catch their train Hermann skidded slightly going around the corner to the platform and Newt reached out knocking the bags into Hermann’s waist in his haste to help. Hermann had simply pulled his coat from Newts grasp, given him a withering look, and turned back to rush for the train.

Newt was still blushing three stops later when Herrmann shifted next to him readying himself to get up for the next stop. His thigh rubbed against Newts and as he got to his feet he slipped a little reaching out and steadying himself by grabbing Newts knee. His fingers dug in but didn’t hurt and as Hermann realised what he was doing his hand slipped up a little further before he released Newts leg like his hand had been on a hot iron. He blinked a few times and straightened himself up glancing around to see if anyone had noticed.

Newt decided not to make a big deal about it because Hermann was clearly embarrassed so he jumped to his feet trying to act like nothing had happened despite the ugly flare of red across his neck and ears and the slight trembling of his hand. They walked in silence to the hotel, Hermann’s eyes were distant and he powered onwards Newt tailing slightly as he took in the city streets. They climbed a tall set of steps and as they rose to the top Newt set eyes on their new hotel. It was larger than he expected taking up several terraced houses in a row. The walls were painted a dignified pale cream and there were neatly formed topiaries dotted around the front door. Hermann blinked as he reached the top behind Newt and spoke lowly as he caught his breath.

“I hope this will be sufficient.”

“Shit man it is much nicer than the dog pile the PPDC put us in. How did you find this place?”

“I stayed here a few times during my divorce.”

Newt flinched but Hermann seemed completely unfazed. “ _Oh_.”

 

 

 

 


	9. Hail

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry this took so long guys! Hopefully I will be back on track after this. Hope you feel better Dani!

The room was small but had high ceilings and, surprisingly, just one huge bed. It was covered in a  thick white duvet with mismatched purple cushions piled on the pillows and had a wrought iron frame resting on the bare wooden floorboards. Newt paused in the doorway as Hermann made his way to the cupboard swinging the doors wide and turning as if expecting Newt to have been right behind him.

 “We can put our bags in here.” He reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a small black notebook. “I have written a short itinerary for today in here. Why don’t you read it and tell me if there is something you wish to see that I have not included and I will put away our things.”

 Newt just nodded dumbly. It was obvious Hermann had stayed here for some period of time, he seemed so at home in the little room. He moved about the space with confidence placing his cane with a practiced care to avoid the wonky boards at the foot of the bed. Newt handed him the bags and took the notebook with his other hand a small pang of something flinging its way up his arm and to his chest when Hermann simply dropped the itinerary into his hand and turned away. Newt tried to ignore the thoughts of Hermann spending days in this hotel, maybe even this room, during the divorce process.

It had been summer then and he thought about Hermann opening the huge window to the left of the bathroom, silken curtains flapping in a slight breeze as voices of a city swamped in heat filtered through. Newt shivered and sank onto the bed lying back to hold the paper up over him so he could read it. Hermann’s handwriting sprawled across the page his punctuation dark and heavy where he had stabbed at the page in anger. He had written this not long after the fight it seemed and judging by the varying degrees of shaking to his usual smooth lines he wrote it whilst on the u-bahn.

Newt smiled thinking about how Hermann’s reaction to his uncle propositions was not to distance himself from Newt but to plan the trip the way he had initially intended it to go anyway. He repeated the thought over and over in his head to try and dampen the dark clouds in his mind which had followed him since he first left the shatterdome those months ago. He heard a satisfied sigh from behind him and titled his head to grin at an up-side down Hermann. He was pink in the face from the warmth of the hotel room and his hair was sticking up at his forehead. He blinked at Newt the satisfaction on his face fading to embarrassment as they stared at each other. After a few seconds Hermann seemed to get control again and his mask was back.

“Is there something you want to do?”

Newt licked his lips, now was his opportunity. He let his gaze slide over Hermann’s face and down his chest to where his hand grasped his cane in front of his crotch and then slowly back up again a smile growing on his face. He thought about the perfect flirty response but just as he went to speak Hermann interrupted.

“I will take that as a no. We must shower and change and then we will leave for breakfast.” His voice was very unsure and he stumbled over his words blushing when Newt twitched his eyebrows at the implication of sharing a shower. Hermann turned sharply back to the cupboard reaching inside to pull a neat pile of clothes out. His expression was blank again and he glanced out to the snow. “I will only be a moment.” He then disappeared into the bathroom locking the door behind him.

Newt waited for a few minutes for the shower to start and then he leant across the bed to tap at the console on the nightstand. It came to life at his touch and he logged in with the code the woman who greeted Hermann like a long lost brother had given them. He quickly typed out a message to Oskar telling him that they would not be coming back to stay with him. He knew there was no point in asking Hermann, it would only upset him. Besides, it was easier to make him reveal how he felt without his uncles overbearing presence all around them.

He was still busy browsing through the endless list of emails from worried scientists in their department, repeated emails with pictures of cats from Tendo and recipes from his crazy aunt breaking up requests from universities to have him and Hermann speak.

Newt deleted everything.

The shower stopped and Newt got to his feet to grab his own clothes waiting patiently for something he had long missed witnessing. Hermann closed the bathroom door behind him and stepped towards the bed. His hair was still wet but fluffy in places where he had obviously rubbed at it with his towel. His skin was pink but soft looking and he smelt strongly of mango and oranges. A puff of steam followed him out of the door and Newt grinned because Hermann was wearing a slightly lumpy purple sweater vest over a plain white shirt. To Newts surprise his had his sleeves rolled up to his elbows exposing delicate pale wrists and the ghost of dark hair across his forearms. He wiped his hands on fresh black trousers and Newt followed their movement closely, Hermann had always been a fan of the ugly bulgy ill fitting suits, ones which always looked like he had stolen them from a much older much bigger man but these trouser were more fitting, they emphasised his long legs and Newt licked his lips.

Hermann looked amazing.

Hermann looked confused.

He was staring at Newt like he had lost his mind. “Newton, are you alright?...”

Newt just nodded bundling his own pile of clothes up against his chest and headed for the bathroom finding it hard to tear his eyes away from the mathematician. He stood under the hot stream thinking about the day they were going to share. Maybe for a little while he could pretend they were just on holiday somewhere together, he could ignore the tribunal and the tests that were sure to come the next day and just enjoy being in Hermann’s company. Away from the bad memories of the shatterdome and the people they had lost. He scrubbed himself clean staring at his reflection in the mirror.

 He looked tired still, bags under his eyes and his skin still pulled taut over his cheekbones. However he _had_ put on a little weight since the night Hermann had come and got him and his eyes now held a little more life. He glared defiantly at his own reflection scrubbing at his head with the towel. He shaved using the hotel provided razors and primped and preened at his hair until it stood up everywhere, trying and succeeding this time in give himself a confident smile. He grabbed his clean clothes from the top of the toilet and pulled them on hastily turning each way in front of the mirror.

He was wearing his white shirt, a pair of dark blue jeans, and his leather jacket. He tucked the shirt into his jeans grinning at the tightness of the fabric across his chest and at the figure hugging denim on his thighs.

He was going to knock Hermann dead.

The hot pick of hope in his chest fluttered and he headed for the door grabbing up his dirty clothes and the parka, holding the bundle up in front of himself. Hermann was perched at the desk next to the window his feet tangled together. He looked up when Newt opened the cupboard dumping the bundle on top of Hermann’s neat folding and received a disapproving tut in return. “Newton, do not place the dirty clothes on top of the clean ones! Were you raised in a _barn_? Honestly-“

 He stopped his little rant the moment Newt closed the cupboard door and turned to him sticking a pose and looking at Hermann through his lashes. Hermann’s neck flushed and he put his pen down reaching out to grab his cane. His fingers scrabbled and he banged it on the floor tearing his eyes away as he pushed his chair out.

Newt grinned. “C’mon man lets go, I’m starving!”

The snow was still falling lightly as they walked in silence through the streets of Berlin. Newt had pulled his jacket tight around himself stuffing his hands in his pockets and resting his lips against the collar where it was up against his chin. Hermann had reclaimed the parka and Newt mourned the loss of that outfit, the pain only slightly dampened by Hermann’s red cheeks and the adorable way he poked out of the top of the coat. Hermann moved swiftly ignoring the patches of ice and snow his footsteps criss-crossing the hazards without any obvious effort from the man and Newt struggled to keep up slipping and sliding with every third step.

It seemed Hermann had a lot more practice than Newt.

When they came up on the river Hermann took a sharp turn to the left and they walked slightly closer together on the paved footpath along the riverside. Iron bollards with chain links swooped ahead as far as Newt could see and he thought about remarking on how that was hardly a protective barrier at all. It only came up to his knees. The river itself swelled and surged the water thick and stony grey. Its surface shone dully like moving shards of flint and Newt smiled at a man walking the opposite direction with his dog. It ran up to Hermann and jumped up at his bad leg and Newt felt a ghost of sharp pain in his own thigh as Hermann winced. The mathematician bent awkwardly against his cane and scratched the black Scottie dog behind the ears as it barked in excitement breaking the ethereal silence of a city under snow. The owner shouted its name in a rough deep accent and it sprang away bouncing from the decorative plants pots that littered the riverside to empty iron benches.

Newt caught Hermann’s smile a second before he wiped it from his face and he took a step closer to him. He let his arm brush against Hermann’s and he waited for him to look around. Hermann’s eyes were bright and clear and the river reflected deep in his pupils highlighting the steely intelligence that was always so heavily present in his gaze. Newt beamed at him and Hermann ducked his head deeper into his coat his cheeks gaining a little colour.

They crossed a small bridge and Newt licked his lips as they tingled in the cool wind that battered them suddenly from the side. “Did you ever have a dog?” Hermann gave no indication he had heard him other than a flicker of his eyebrow. “ _I_ did. I had a golden Lab called Godzilla when I was six.

 “Godzilla? Not a terribly unique name.”

“Give me a break dude, I was six! Besides there were only two things I had ever wanted for my birthday then.”

“Oh?”

“I had actually asked for the real Godzilla for my birthday as a pet. I thought that if I got him I would look after him and he could look after me too. Nobody could beat me up if I had the real Godzilla behind my back and he wouldn’t even have to go fighting loads of other monsters, he could just stay home with me and watch cartoons.”

Hermann was looking at him now and Newt could feel his warm breath on his face. He had a carefully blank expression on his face but Newt could see something suspiciously like pity in his eyes. He looked away.

”Ah, You must have been disappointed to find out he wasn’t real.”

Newt snorted. “Well, I already kind of knew that. Anyway Godzilla was a great dog, I wasn’t complaining. Plus imagine the craps that the real Godzilla would put out! They’d be bigger than my head!”

He laughed and Hermann wiggled his eyebrows in the way that for most people would be them laughing along and Newt felt the hot pick of hope jumping in his chest. Hermann’s eyes flickered up and he turned slightly towards Newt gesturing with his head at a small building stood alone ahead of them. The walls were painted white and the front was a huge glass window with red painted wooden frames and a bright red door.

Hermann actually smiled this time and Newt grinned along with him. “Is that it?” Hermann nodded and Newt went to speed up, he was excited to see the place that obviously held good memories for Hermann and he ignored the mathematicians scolding shout as Newt jogged the last few steps to the front door. He didn’t look back as he pushed his way inside. His glasses steamed up instantly and he hurriedly wiped them on his shirt. The air was warm and humid and he unzipped his jacket taking in every aspect of the small room. There was a huge counter spanning the whole room with a women in a red tabard serving a ridiculously overfull mug of what smelt like hot chocolate to a man and his young son. The room filled with their chuckles as the child begged his father to give him the cup and Newts attention was drawn to the booths lining the room. Dark wood with red velvet seats and matching polished tables dotted with seemingly random crockery chickens and foxes.

Faint opera played in the background and Newt span around when he felt a freezing blast of cold air brush the back of his neck. Hermann was looking at him his eyebrows knitted together in admonishment.

Newt beamed.

“This place is so cool Herms!”

Hermann rolled his eyes but the smile was back and he bustled ahead of Newt towards the counter. The woman who had been serving before looked up from her crossword and dropped her pen. She was of an indeterminable age her eyes bright full of joy and her plump cheeks puffed by a wide warming smile. She raised her arms wide and flicked her head back laughing deeply, her hair curled tight against her head in the style of a fifties housewife and the red lipstick she wore stained her teeth as Hermann beamed back at her. He walked clear past the employee’s only sign to the back of the counter where she hugged him tightly. They spoke softly to each other in German and Newt hurried over to the counter to peer around the glass case loaded with sickly sweet looking pastries.

They had broken the hug and the woman looked across at Newt with a bright smile as Hermann gestured to him. She flipped the counter top open and walked straight through to stand in front of Newt with her hands on her hips. “Hello I’m Magda! Hermann says this is your first time in Berlin?”

Newt glanced over to Hermann who just lifted his chin. Magda was even shorter than Newt her rocket red hairdo coming to just below his chin. Newt laughed. “Yeah. He told me stories of your world famous pancakes and I said _dude_ you got to take me there. I **need** those pancakes!”

Magda laughed and tapped his on the chest. “Tsk, you know how to flatter Mr cute butt.” She bustled back behind the counter and grabbed a pan from the wall. Hermann made his way back around and headed for a booth by the window. Newt leant into him and whispered through his grin.

“Mr. Cute butt?”

“Two stacks on their way for Hermann and Mr cute butt.” She giggled to herself and Hermann brushed past Newt a gentle tug on his arm indicating he should follow.

As they slipped into their seats Newt beamed at Hermann leaning across to table. “She said I have a cute butt!”

Hermann just glared at him and shifted his legs around under the table until his cane dropped from his grasp coming to rest up against the inside of Newts thigh. Hermann’s skinny ankles brushed against Newts pants and his knees knocked against the outside of his sending sparks shooting over his hips. He stretched his longs legs out as far as he could and Newt blushed at the thought of how he was basically being straddled under the table. He reached along his own knee to grab at the cane to give it back and to his surprise his fingers came into contact with Hermann’s. The mathematician blushed deeply and stared at him and Newt could suddenly feel the presence in the back of his mind, heavy and warm, and it made his stomach flip. He gently nudged the cane and Hermann grabbed it to pull it towards himself.

“Sorry.”

 Newt just shrugged.

Magda appeared suddenly beside them leaning over the table to drop a stack of hot pancakes in front of Newt. They dripped with some sort of glaze and his mouth instantly began to water at the rich sugary scent. He grabbed his fork and began to dive in. He closed his eyes as they spread and melted on his tongue. He didn’t realise that he was moaning until he felt a sharp kick to his ankle and opened his eyes to Magda stood with a bemused expression watching him. Hermann was almost purple in the face and was definitely NOT looking at him. Newt grinned. “They are just as good as promised.”

Magda beamed. “Thank you… I appreciate your enthusiasm but you were supposed to share them with Hermann.”

“Newt glanced down at the demolished pile of pancakes and then back up his eyes growing wide. He swallowed thickly and gave a sheepish smile. “Oh.”

They both looked across to Hermann who was intently studying his own jacket cuffs. Hermann looked up after realising he was being watched and just blinked at them. “I am not hungry.”

 Magda shook her head and put a hand on his shoulder as she went to move past. “You come to my diner and you aren’t hungry?”

Hermann lifted his chin still taking care to not look at Newt. The biologist took this opportunity to devour the remains of his meal taking care this time to keep his moans to himself. ”As Newton said, I am to give him a true taste of Berlin today. I mean no disrespect.  What would a trip like that be without starting at the best diner in the city regardless of my own need for sustenance Magda?”

She laughed deeply and put her hand to Hermann’s cheek placing a delicate kiss on the other one. They shared joyful eye contact for a moment before she released him and headed back for her counter. “Your friend has been teaching you a thing or two about flattery hasn’t he Hermann, shame he cannot teach you to use one word rather than six eh?”

Hermann just gave her his almost-smile and finally turned back to Newt who had finished his meal and was sat with his elbows on the table watching them interact with his own brilliant grin shining out. Hermann reached down for his cane and banged it on the floor slipping his legs back to let Newt out. “Now that you are finished we must move along Newton.”

Newt just nodded and jumped out waving at Magda. “Thank you Magda!”

“Don’t become a stranger Mr cute butt.”

“Scouts honour!” He saluted her and she saluted him back chucking to herself as Hermann brushed past heading for the door.

“Good Day.” Hermann’s voice rang out and then he repeated himself in German waiting for a joyful response before diving headfirst out into the cold.

His mind swam with questions as they walked. Hermann lead him through the streets and although he didn’t feel any pressure to speak Newt was lagging a little behind, struggling to keep quiet. They would often go hours without speaking and Hermann was perhaps the only person he could spend more than five minutes with who he didn’t feel the pressure on him to start the conversation. There was no expectation there. He bit his tongue. Hermann seemed so at peace just walking the empty streets his face resting in a frown. It was much like the professional mask he would slip into except his eyes were distant and the corners of his mouth relaxed to a gentle downturn.

He didn’t want to break the silence but all he could think about was how warm and friendly Hermann had been with Magda, inviting in a way that he never was with people these days. He wondered if he used to be like that all the time, before the war. Newt tugged at the cuffs of his jacket fingers slipping over the leather.

Hermann raised one eyebrow and glanced slightly to Newts direction. “What is it you want to ask me Newton?”

Newt let out a huff of release and sped up a little so he was right next to the mathematician. “You and Magda seem close.”

 Hermann simply nodded and Newt flickered a smile his way. Hermann had opened his coat a little revealing a bare neck and the edges of his purple sweater vest. “Did you know her before the war or…or”

“Yes, I met Magda during my divorce. I was alone in the city for almost a week before she approached me. As you should know in the end I was here for almost a month and during that time she became a dear friend to me.”

Newt put his hands in his pockets and nodded along with Hermann’s voice. “Dude, I know how long you were here.”

 Hermann gave him a twitch of the eyebrow as though he had caught him in a lie. Little did he know. “I mean, I was back at the New York office dealing with all the paperwork and the team and ugh we had that leak in the lab. God that was a disaster. Worst month of my life I’m telling you. ” Newt stopped speaking when Hermann turned fully to glare at him. He felt his neck flush and the heat in his cheeks. “I mean, obviously it was worse for you…getting divorced and all…”

They turned a corner in silence and Newt tore his gaze from Hermann’s face to their destination. “Oh dude! The science museum!?”

Hermann didn’t react even when Newt sped up his heels skidding a little in the fresh snow. His watch said it was almost 9 and the museum would be open in 15 minutes. He peered through the door at the employees moving the queue barriers into place, sorting their papers and giving him wary stares as he pressed himself up to the glass. The Berlin science museum housed the only kaiju exhibit of its kind with real life kaiju samples and even part of the skeleton of Trespasser on display. Newt bounced on his heels and jumped a little in shock as he felt a firm hand on his arm pulling him back.

 “Newton please, you are scaring the employees.”

Newt grinned wide. “Dude! This is amazing! I wonder if there is a bit about Kaiceths fourth heart!”

 Hermann actually smiled this time. It was small but it was not to be mistaken and Newt instinctively reached out grabbing Hermann by the shoulders. For a second he hesitated as Hermann’s smile wavered but the pure joy and excitement flooding his chest took over and he pulled him into a tight hug. “This is the best man. Oh my god I am so excited, do you think they would have something on us in there?”

Hermann’s breaths came short and fast against his neck and he half released him keeping one arm circled around his back his other swinging wide in the air.

“Hermann Gottlieb and Newton Gieszler: The scientists who _saved_ the world!”

He looked at Hermann’s reaction, their faces mere inches apart and Hermann was bright red his own hand naturally coming to rest against Newts lower back. His voice was quiet when he spoke and he sounded a little unsure. “Surely you mean the _rock star_ scientists who saved the world.”

Newt laughed deeply and let go of Hermann’s shoulder to grab at his head pulling him close to press an affectionate kiss to the top of his head. A jolt of electricity burst from his lips and rocketed around his mind and his knees felt weak. Hermann’s fingers scrabbled against Newts lower back and Newt clenched his own grip in answer as his stomach flip flopped. “Damn right Herms.”

 The sound of the doors being unlocked echoed out across the snow draped streets and Newt released Hermann as he moved to pull away albeit reluctantly. He followed his in a daze his heart still thumping in his chest. He could feel Hermann’s presence in his mind buzzing like static and he wondered vaguely if Hermann could feel it too, if it happened at the same time or not. Much to Newts dismay the kaiju war exhibit was not going to open until 11. He stared helplessly at the woman behind the counter as she handed over their tickets. Hermann took the tickets and slid them into his pocket tugging at Newts sleeve. “Come along Newton, we have a lot more to see than the kaiju. Honestly, one would expect you would’ve had enough of them by now. After everything we have been through-“

 Newt didn’t hear what else he was saying; his mind had already begun to wander as they walked across a brightly lit gangway and into what appeared to be a gallery of sorts. He followed Hermann around in silence his mind wandering over to what could possibly be in the kaiju exhibit as Hermann droned on and on about the paintings pausing every one or two for them to stand and stare at one for a few moments before he moved on. Finally after almost an hour they emerged from the gallery out into a area with a café and a gift shop with pathways leading off to the other areas of the museum. Hermann paused for a minute leaning heavily on his cane and Newt could feel the echo of his pain. He reached out barely touching his back to lead him to sit down at one of the tables outside the café.

Hermann sniffed but didn’t say anything. They were silent for a few minutes and Newt took everything in the building had started to fill up more since the museum had opened and there were a few groups milling around a covered courtyard area. The room was lined with marble walls, intricately crafted pillars and a grand staircase sweeping up behind Hermann. The café was pressed into an alcove below the corridor upstairs and pathways with colour arrows led off in varied directions. Hermann got to his feet and Newt followed trying to catch his eye. Finally after they had crossed over to the other side of the courtyard Hermann acknowledged him again.

“So where to next Herms?”

“It is a surprise.”

Newt gritted his teeth. “Aw c’mon man, you know I hate surprises!”

Hermann flashed him a small smile and Newt grinned back reaching out to brush his fingers across the back of Hermann’s arm. He led him down a short hallway and around a corner following the green arrows and when Newt finally tore his eyes away from the playful light in Hermann’s eyes he almost chocked on a gasp of surprise.

The hallway opened up into another enormous marble room with wooden display boxes littering the bright shining floor and right in the  middle towering over everything else, a fully in tact dinosaur skeleton. Hermann was watching him carefully and Newt had to take off his glasses to rub his eyes.

“Surprise?” Hermann sounded unsure and Newt turned to him beaming.

“Dude!” That seemed to help a little. “Duuude!”

Newt couldn’t seem to say anything else but he slipped his arm under Hermann’s to drag him forwards so he could read the little information sheets around the edges of the display. Hermann pulled himself free when Newt leant forwards to touch the skeleton. “You shouldn’t touch that.” His voice was low and quiet and Newt giggled reaching out anyway to slide his fingers over the smooth ankle bone of the beast. Hermann was glancing around furtively as though waiting for them to get caught and his eye seemed to catch on something. After a second he moved away but Newt was too engrossed in the sheer coolness of the ancient skeleton to care. That is until he heard Hermann speak distantly behind him.

“ _Vanessa_?”


	10. DayBreak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:This is just a little one to get back in the swing. Hope you guys like it!

Newt tore his eyes away from the display to peer around the edge of one of the nearby interactive exhibits. Hermann was walking awkwardly as if trying to hide his limp and his hands were outstretched in an invitation to the impossibly beautiful woman who had turned as he called her name. Vanessa had shiny blonde hair cut in short at her jawline, perfect pointed eyebrows and cupids bow lips that split wide in a gleaming white smile. She reached out to hug Hermann in greeting her hands naturally coming to rest around his waist and his left hand gently cradled her head. They embraced for a few moments before pulling away. Hermann looked her up and down but her eyes stayed steady and warm on his.

“I did not know you were in the city, you look beautiful.” His voice was soft and full of fondness and Newts stomach tried to hurl itself through the floor.

They stood close to each other her hand still lingering on his wrist after they had pulled apart, her cream patent high heels clicked on the floor as Hermann had to quickly lean on his cane. Newt felt the phantom pain in his knee and his own hands twitched as he fought to urge to go over there and interrupt.

“Ness, I must apologise for missing your nuptials. Is Richard here?” Hermann’s voice grew a little harsher as he expressed his regret but she waved his apology away with a delicate flick of her wrist.

 “Nonsense Manny, you had saving the world to be getting on with.” Her reply was tinged with sadness and Newt bit his lip. He knew that the strain of their work had been a big part of Hermann’s divorce and he felt Hermann’s own guilt flare in the back of his mind. “To answer your question no he is not here. I am in town on work actually.”

“Ah, it is the same for me I am afraid. You have a show to do here? I thought Berlin fashion week was not for another month?”

She laughed and shook her head her hand coming up to pat ineffectively at Hermann’s chest. He gave her a shy smile and Newt tore his eyes away feeling the bile rise in his throat. She was married again, there was no need for him to feel this way but he couldn’t fight the burning jealousy that twisted its way up his spine. “No it is not but I am no longer in that line of work Manny.”

“Oh… what are you-“

 “I am actually here reporting on the summit for the future of the k-science division!”

“You got the job at World News!? Congratulations Ness. I always had faith you would make it.”

“Oh stop Manny. Talking about the summit, what are you doing here so early? It’s only the provisional rounds happening at the moment. You are not supposed to be appearing for another week?”

“Doctor Gieszler and I thought it prudent to arrive early to prepare our case.”

“You’re preparing your case at the _museum_?”

Hermann blushed and she giggled. “Newton has never been to Berlin, I wished him to appreciate my home city before we began our work.”

“Ooh its **Newton** now is it?”

“ _Ness_.” A warning tone. Newt leant around the display to get a better look at the expression on Hermann’s face. Vanessa was beaming at him leaning down a little as if trying to catch his eyes but Hermann would not look at her.

“Aww come on. Don’t be like that, is he still here? Can I meet him?”

“I do not think that is wise.”

“Why because you are scared I’m going to-“ Her words were caught dead as Hermann reached out a hand placing a palm over her mouth a playful smile on his lips. She laughed and pulled his palm down curling her fingers around it. “If I promise to be good and not say a word?”

“Perhaps.”

“Come on Manny. Please...”

She batted her eyelashes at him and Hermann visibly crumpled dropping his hand. “Alright. If you must.”

Newt shrank back behind the display as Herrmann turned. Vanessa slipped her arm through Hermann’s and Newt swallowed the lump in his throat running a hand through his hair. He checked his breath against his palm and tugged his shirt down leaning in his best causal pose against the railings surrounding the skeleton display. He could hear Hermann’s cane tapping in time with her high heels and each click against the marble sent his heart into spasm. “Newton?” Hermann sounded nervous and Newt tried to keep his face somewhat normal looking as he turned around. Hermann was staring at him and so he gave him his brightest shining smile.

Hermann was still staring at him.

Nobody said anything for a awkward moment before Vanessa stuck her hand out forcing Newts gaze to her. She was even more radiant close up and Newt felt his cheeks flush as he shook her hand. “Hi, I’m Ness, Hermann’s ex-wife….I don’t know if he has mentioned me?”

“Um, I’m Newt Hermann’s partner…that is his science partner…his work…guy.”

He winced at his awkward reply his eyes flickering back to Hermann who was staring at the floor. ”He has mentioned you yeah. He left for a bit when you guys…during the divorce and I had to cope without him around so…” he didn’t know where he was going with that and his words just seemed to spew out.

Vanessa took back her hand and placed it on her own hip grinning. “Bet that was nice? Getting the department to yourself.”

Newt caught her eye and grinned back. She seemed genuinely interested and at ease and Newt could see why Hermann had been drawn to her. She left him no space to feel left out. “At first yeah, I mean I could play whatever music wanted and I could put my stuff down for more than ten seconds without it being tidied away so.”

“But then you started to miss him right?”

Newt blushed and she leant in conspiratorially. “Every second.” He felt his heart skip a beat because he didn’t know why he felt the need to be so honest but she beamed back at him. Hermann stared away from them at a display across the hall the tips of his ears bright burning red.

Newt gave her a hesitant smile back and after a brief silence he shrugged feeling awkward. “So, are you in town on business or…”

”I am here to cover the summit actually. The future of the k-science department is big news these days. The people are outraged that the guys who saved us all are going to be made defunct so I got here a little early to get the buzz from the people protesting.” Newt blinked. His hands were shaking and so he hid them in his pocket glancing to his side where Hermann had shifted around. His gaze was intense and focused on Vanessa but his shoulder brushed Newts and he could tell he was as shocked as Newt was.

“People are protesting?”

Newt’s voice came out nervous and Vanessa frowned at them both. “You didn’t know? Have you not been to the courthouse? To the congress? There are people who have been there for days in the snow and the wind. There are protests in countries around the world guys, in all major cities. Everywhere. Nobody has forgotten how important you are.”

“But we are not-~”

“We are not Mako, or Raleigh.” Hermann interrupted. Newt bumped his shoulder against the mathematicians trying to find solidity somewhere because he felt like the world had fallen out from under him.

Vanessa scoffed. “Their roles in the victory do not discount yours.”

“Hermann was silent, frowning to himself and Newt gave up on being subtle. He reached out grabbing Hermann’s arm leaning up against his shoulder so they were touching down the entire length of their bodies. Hermann didn’t react and Vanessa reached out to place her hand on the outside elbow of each man. She opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by her phone trilling loudly from her handbag. She flushed and scrabbled for the device as the ringing grew louder and louder turning the heads of the other patrons. The ringing stopped by the time she had a grasp on her phone and she glared down at the screen. Newt sucked in a breath through his nose using Hermann’s support to ground himself as the room began to spin.

“Shit. I have to go, that was my boss.” Hermann seemed to snap out of his reverie and he reached out as if on autopilot pulling Vanessa into a short but gentle hug. Newts arm slipped from where he had entwined it with Hermann’s and he took a small step back to give the pair space. Vanessa closed her eyes as Hermann squeezed her a little more tightly and as she pulled away she placed a soft kiss to his cheek. “Manny, it would be a shame for us not to have dinner whilst we are both home.”

Hermann’s expression softened slightly and Newt bit his tongue. Berlin would always be their home, at first he had been pleased that Hermann was so excited to show him around the place nearest and dearest to his heart but now Newt couldn’t help the thoughts that began to spring up in the back of his mind. Was Hermann excited to show him these things because he genuinely wanted to share them with Newt? Or because he wanted to relive the things had done with Vanessa and Newt was simply providing a good excuse to revisit old haunts? Was Newt intruding on old happy memories?

Vanessa reached for him and Newt jumped a little in surprise as her gentle arms surrounded him. She smelt sweet and he patted her on the back. She leant down as they hugged pulling back so her face was no more than a few inches away from his her eyes boring into his brain. “Take care of him.” Newt just nodded and she kissed him on the cheek dropping her arms. Hermann was staring at him and Newt shrugged his shoulders blinking in surprise when Herrmann initiated the touch this time his shoulder bumping faintly against Newts forcing him to give chase to make solid contact.

“I will call you.” She gave Hermann one last smile, tinged with a edge of sadness before her phone began ringing again and she turned away walking with impressive speed and determination. The lack of her presence was like a cold breeze and Newt shivered not daring to move in case Hermann took that as a sign to end the gentle brush of their fingers or the warming press of his hip against Newts.

A minute passed without a word before the scientist couldn’t bare it anymore. He stumbled over his words trying to sound out the jumble of thoughts and emotions the revelation that people actually cared about their work, that they had support for their department after all. “P-People are protesting for us?”  

Hermann blinked and Newt finally met his gaze. He let out a shaky laugh, one that caused a shadow of smile to flutter across Hermann’s lips and Newt leant forwards forcing himself not to simply lean in and follow the same path with his tongue. “It appears we are not alone in this fight Newton.” Each word was careful, considered and whispered and Newt grinned bumping against Hermann’s shoulder as a shaky ball of energy lifted him up from deep within his chest. Hermann’s fingers flexed and brushed against his palm and Newt shook his head.

“Dude, you were never alone.”

He winced internally because that sounded less soppy in his head but it did make Hermann blush and his gaze intensified and suddenly it all became too much. Luckily the banging of gigantic wooden doors being opened and the excited swelling of murmurs from the crowd forced him to look away. A museum guide swept across the floor in front of them talking loudly and waving a small white flag on a stick. “This way guys, the kaiju war exhibit is open. Come on, quickly! This way!” A crowd of teenagers rushed after her and Newt bounced on his heels.

Hermann actually smiled this time and Newt waited for him to begin moving before he started walking. His energy levels shot up and he was forced to circle around Hermann as they headed for the exhibit in an attempt to burn off some of his excitement whilst not forcing Hermann to rush. The mathematician, used to Newts coping behaviours, ploughed onwards pulling a small guide pamphlet out of his pocket to read the blurb on the back. Newt fought the urge to jump the queue and run past the roped off ticket collectors, held back by the gentle pressure on his back from Hermann’s hand. He slipped their tickets out of his pocket and handed one over to Newt with a fond smile and Newt beamed at him turning it over and over in his hand. It was made of thick card and had a small portion for the collectors to tear off. Multi-coloured metallic thread in the shape of Slattern sparkled across the bottom two thirds underneath the word kaiju written in several different languages. He stole a look at Hermann’s ticket to see if it was the same and Hermann sighed as they shuffled a few feet forwards in the quickly forming queue. HE lifted it up to show the scientist and Newt raised his eyebrows, the inlay on Hermann’s ticket was the PPDC logo and he childishly felt a little smug that he had gotten the ‘cooler’ ticket.

When they reached the collector they were met with a sudden realisation that the patrons around them and the other collectors were beginning to stare. Their collector wore a name badge denoting her ‘Sandy’ and she flushed a deep red when Hermann snatched Newt ticket from him to hand them over. She took them in shaky hand trying and failing to hide a grin before handing the de-stubbed tickets back. Hermann leant in and thanked her softly in German before all but shoving Newt out of the ropes and towards the door. His fingers dug into Newts back and his excitement was tinged by a little flare of panic at the back of his mind. He stumbled onwards finally taking a look at Hermann properly. His eyes were wide and his cheeks pale and Newt stopped moving forcing Hermann to press himself up against his back his hand slipping to grab Newts waist from behind his face bumping gently into Newts neck. Panic washed over him and his leg twinged with phantom pain and all at once Newt was the one steering them away from the exhibit doors to an alcove in the hallway separating the dinosaur exhibit and the entrance to the kaiju ahead.

“Hermann, are you alright?”


End file.
